FanPost

In Response to Michael Silver's Column

In Response to Silver's Column Mondayhttp://sports.yahoo.com/nfl/news?slu...  In which he asked if Witten was single if Romo would have hooked him up with Ashlee Simpson on a star-studded double-date.

I have to call for help from the Cowboys' Community.  

Wondering if there were any computer-types out there with some familiarity with software packages like Beowulf, WareWulf or openMosix which facilitate the creation of a supercomputer from a collection of ordinary workstations or servers.  

The reason I ask is that while watching the Cowboys beat the Lions in DC bar Sunday, my good friend and fellow Cowboys fan, Energy Doug asked a compelling and mind boggling question.  Can current technology accurately compute the amount of 'ace' Tony Romo has been crushing since becoming a Cowboy?

I thought initially I could run some simple algorithms on my laptop, multiplying his days as a Cowboy's 2nd stringer and starting QB times the days the Cowboys have off, plus training camp, plus the off season, times the number of women who are throwing themselves at him and finally using the square of Sophia Bush, Carrie Underwood, Jessica Simpson and Britney Spears. Formula:

(2nd String x Starting) (DO+TC+OS x~4 billion)(SB) x (CU) x (JS) X ( [BS] )

 Needless to say, my lap top made a sort of "donkey being punched" sound and promptly melted.  

After the meltdown it became clear to me that this type of scientific research really needs to be done by a supercomputers.  As I have learned in the last 72 hours, there are few supercomputers would be able to do the highly calculation-intensive tasks for this problem.  The supercomputer or superclusters (more on that in a second) would need to simultaneously do quantum mechanical physics, weather forecasting, climate research projections (including hypothetical models of global warming), molecular modeling (computing the structures and properties of chemical compounds, biological macromolecules, polymers, and crystals), physical simulations, simulation of airplanes in wind tunnels, simulation of the detonation of nuclear weapons, and possibly some nuclear fusion to accurately quantify the mind boggling amount of the tail that Tony Romo has been killing.

My repeated requests for access to a NASA or military supercomputers having been turned down, I am now asking the Cowboys community to help me build what is called a supercomputer cluster.  Essentially we will have to link 4-5 million personal computers in a Voltron-esque way to create a supercomputer that, with its combined computing power should be able to accurately calculate Romo’s potency.

There has been a delay however.  In response to last night’s voicemail from Chief Petty Officer Terrance Tate, we have begun researching the possibility that the super-cluster of computers processing Romo’s mojo could actually become sentient, threatening all mankind.  According to a Department of Defense analysis, this new Romotron could draw more computers to it, eventually turning on and destroying its human masters.  In theory the ensuing war would create an Omega man situation (DoD’s not feeling you Legend) in which the computers could kill every human being except Tony Romo, who with no women left to date, will immolate, setting off an electromogonetic chain reaction, causing what American astronomers and astrochemists have described as a universe-wide "final bang" effect.  

While we research this possible phenomenon I thought it prudent to start getting people signed up so if and when we can begin calculations, we would be ready.

Thanks in advance

Another user-created commentary provided by a BTB reader.