Me and Mr. Jones

*note: While there are plenty of things to hate about Philly like the murder rate, Michael Nutter, SEPTA, Philly hoodrats, the Eagles/their fans, the increasingly corrupt police force and and "Rocky"s after III, among others, one of the things I do like about this place is the Philly cheesesteak (which is just a "cheesesteak" around here...same way Chinese food is just "food" in Beijing). I bring this up because I was at a local steak shop (that I won't give the name of for security purposes) for a taste of the quintessential Philadelicacy when I happened upon a very unexpected traveler...yes, I had the honor and horror of meeting the owner/GM/secret head coach/commander in chief/director of football marketing/pretty much everything else of my beloved Dallas Cowboys, Jerry Jones! I didn't expect to see him here at all, and I dont think he expected to be seen...but I couldn't pass up an opportunity to talk to the man behind the Star...and give him a few choice words about the state of my 'Boys. If any of that interests you, check this out...if not, there's an x in the upper right hand it and go in peace.



{inside local steak place}


Cashier: Okay, cheesesteak, whiz wit, salt, pepper, ketchup, fried onions...that'll be $7.39.


AJ: Damn...for these prices I should get extra meat and stock in the company...


Cashier: *fake laugh* Never heard that one before...that'll be $7.39.


*AJ rolls eyes, produces $10, gives to cashier, gets sandwich*


Cashier: *unctuously* All right, you have a wonderful day... *big fake smile*


AJ:  *under breath* Yeah, f*ck you too... (Normally I would have said it, but I'm not stupid enough to insult people that handle my food even Now to find a table...


*AJ scans crowded restaurant, catches glimpse of lone, thinly moustached Frenchman in striped blue and white shirt, scarf tied around neck, black pants, beret, and ballet shoes with no socks eating cheesesteak with knife and fork*


AJ: Oh wow, look at Frenchy...I'm gonna put this dude on "Camera Phone Ninja"...dude is asking for it...


*pump fakes for phone, double take*


AJ: Wait just a damn minute...he looks just like...


*lightbulb appears above head, AJ approaches table of Frenchman*


AJ:'re Jerry Jones!


Jerry: *in horrible French/Texan accent* Haw haw amuzeeng. I am not zis Zherri Zhones you are speakeeng, no, no, I am a traveling French man, here to zee all ze wondarful sights zat Philadelphia aas to offair.


AJ: Dude, don't bullsh*t me...I'll be cool about it, just admit you're Jerry Jones, owner and head coach of the Dallas Cowboys.


Jerry: Again, you are zee meestaken one...alzo I am honoured zat you would compare my visage to zat of such a strikingly aandsome man, I am not zee man you seek.


AJ: You're Jerry Jones. To me, your face is as identifiable as a fingerprint...because it kind of looks like one. As surely as the football team you own is 1-6, you're Jerry f*cking Jones. Now admit it or I'll run out in the street and tell everybody...and you know what'll happen then.


Jerry: drops French accent for natural Arkansas one* Awl right son, awl right...just cool your jets now. We don't want to do anything crazy...I'm too old to be beaten and sodomized in the streets. *nervous giggle* Have a seat and let's keep our voices down. What are ya, an Eagles fan come to give me hell about my Cowboys?


AJ: Well actually, I'm a Cowboys fan and...


Jerry: A WHAT!? Dadgummit, I thought I had gotten away from y'all! Don't hurt me! *produces spectacles from pocket* You wouldn't hit a man with glasses would you? Dear lawd, don't kill me, now!


AJ: Whoa, whoa, Jerry...take it down a notch...I just wanna talk a little football...


Jerry: Oh sure you can't just kill me, son?


AJ: hahaha...nobody told me you were funny, Coach Jones!


*Jerry does not smile*


Aj: Um...okay...well let me start by asking just what a billionaire sports franchise owner is doing in a janky cheesesteak joint in his team's archrival city?


Jerry: Well now, I thought it would be a good escape from people harping on my 'Boys. I thought it would be the last place people would look for me...consarnit, I just needed a break.


AJ: Sh*t, I wish I was rich enough to afford a break...


Jerry: Well that's just a fine barrel of mice.


AJ: What?


Jerry: Oh, just an old Texan saying.


AJ: Don't think so...


Jerry: ball club is in the sh*tter right now, I'm less worried about turns of phrase than turning this season around. You've been watching, I trust? You say you're a fan of my fine football team...


AJ: Your football team...ain't sh*t fine about it right now...


Jerry: All right, a straight shooter...I like that, son. It's true, you and all the other fans of the Cowboys have gone through a lot this year. How'd you like an autographed Drew Bledsoe jersey, would that make you feel better?


*AJ slaps Jerry*


AJ: I wouldn't wipe my arse with that...


Jerry: You're right, I deserved that. There's just so doggone many back at the warehouse and I'm trying to get rid of 'em. I'm sorry about that.


AJ: About Drew Bledsoe or the jersey offer?


Jerry: Both. Anyway, what did you wanna shoot the sh*t with ole Jerry about?


Aj: This bullsh*t debacle that you call an NFL season. What the hell, man? This was supposed to be a great year! Now we're 1-6 and all but know what this is like? This is like waking up on Christmas morning and unwrapping a gift expecting a Playstation 5 and instead getting punched in the balls by a boxing glove on a spring...every f*cking week.


Jerry: Boy have you got a mouth on you...*chuckles*


AJ: I would ask you to pardon my French but...yeah, look at you in that outfit.


Jerry: *chuckles* That's not bad, youngster...


AJ: It's not funny, man. This sh*t is embarrassing. We should be better than this. What are you gonna do about it?


Jerry: Well, we have some choices to make. We're gonna watch some tape, see what we can improve. I think that you deserve better, and honestly I dont know what the problem is...I'm dumbfounded.


AJ: Say that again? The last part...


Jerry: I'm dumb--


AJ: You f*ckin right you are! What the hell are you doing down there?! Do you see our defense? If I started running down the field by myself against all 11 defensive starters, I'm not sure I don't score if I can make DeMarcus Ware miss.


Jerry: Well, in all fairness you're kind of a big sumb*tch, aintcha?


AJ: Very much not the point, Jerry... My point is our defense couldn't stop the f*cking Mavericks right now. Let me ask you this: Why did you hire Wade Phillips as "coach"?


Jerry: What's with the air quotes?


AJ: Don't play me for stupid...everybody knows you're the coach, otherwise you would keep your rich buttocks in the owners' box like everybody else. He's a fat football figurehead f*ck and you know it.


Jerry: I see I'll have to wake up earlier to put one by you. Fine...I'll level with you...honestly, I hired him because he's like the fat, ugly girlfriend of the NFL coaching tree. He needs me way more than I need him, so he'll do whatever I say. I like it that way.


AJ: I knew that...the other reason.


Jerry: Well, he's a defensive mastermind...


AJ: Do you see any kind of master anything out there on D this season?


Jerry: Well we have a bunch of Pro Bowlers back there and--


AJ: it. Answer the question.


Jerry: *hangs head* Wellsir, I can't say that I do.


AJ: Damn right you can' why is he still around? For an easy punchline for fans of other teams?


Jerry: To keep the seat warm for offensive coordinator Jason Garrett. He's got such a big round backside, he can keep his own seat and mine warm. Anyway, you know Garrett, right? He's a smart man...went to Princeton.


AJ: So f*ckin smart he put a fullback on 1-on-1 blitz pickup to protect Tony Romo in the Giants'd that work out?


Jerry: *pushes his sandwich away* I lost my appetite...


AJ: Trust me, I know the feeling. But seriously, what the f*ck was that? I know that's semi-common practice, but your coordinators have to know their players, and that ain't a good example of doing so.


Jerry: Well, I thought--


AJ: No the f*ck you didn't! That's the problem. If you had thought, you would have realized that we should have gotten decent offensive linemen 3 years ago, 2 years ago, and definitely after that Vikings loss in the playoffs last year. We got destroyed up didn't see that?


Jerry: Well, now I wanted to--


AJ: Wanted to what? Get your $63 million dollar franchise QB killed? Because you're the GM! You have to make sure your team has the players necessary to do their jobs, including keeping the face of the team out of the f*cking hospital.


Jerry: But I'm the face of the team...


AJ: No you're not, but keep that one out of the hospital look like origami with all that surgery. Moving on, you didn't do that and as a result, Romo is out most of the season. Here, an analogy: you have a new Ferarri...


Jerry: I do...3...


AJ: Would you shut up?! Now, you have a new $350,000 Ferrari. You keep it in a garage, right?


Jerry: Yessir I do.


AJ: What kind of security do you have on the garage?


Jerry: Oh, foot thick steel plating, laser alarm system, fingerprint scanning, gun turrets, flying Dobermans...


AJ: I get it. The point is, you didn't just stick a bucket of water over a slightly cracked door in the garage so it would splash on an intruder when he came in, did you?


Jerry: Well, hellfire no...


AJ: Then why the flying f*ck would you stick that incompetent group of dancing bears you call an offensive line in front of your franchise QB? It's the same thing! They're only an offensive line in the sense that their play offends me.


Jerry: Huh...


AJ: Yeah, huh. And another thing, there's no accountability here! You f*ck up, oh well, try again next week. Whatever happened to earning your keep? Alex Barron should have had to rip the stars from his very helmet and walk home after he lost the Redskins game for us, and he's still collecting checks from you to this day. Gronkowski, the fullback in the Missed Block Heard Around the World, should have been benched after that, but there he was blocking away next game. Wade Phillips makes that infuriating "somebody took my Halloween candy" face every chance he gets...where are the consequences for these actions? You're sending the message that it's just fine to fail...hell, you yourself have been GM for 16 years since you fired Jimmy Johnson fresh off a Super Bowl win and look what happened! You need to let it be known that failure will not be encouraged in Valley Ranch...and you need to start by stepping down as GM.


Jerry: But...but I...I love this team...


AJ: You think I don't? You make money for loving them, I don't but I still do it...I'm not trying to be mean, I just want the best for my favorite football team, and obviously yours..and right now, that means you get a real football person to make the football decisions. You're an oil're a good marketer and a great owner, but you just are not a good GM. That's not the only thing to be done, but it's the 1st step in a process of culture change. The key is change. Do you know the pop culture definition of insanity?


Jerry: Trading 2 1st rounders for Joey Galloway?


AJ: Yes, but no.


Jerry: Giving out huge, immovable contracts to unproven players or players on the wrong side of their careers?


AJ: Partial credit...but try again.


Jerry: Passing on Randy Moss in 2002 with the 8th pick in the draft? Now, I can fix that one..the Vikings just cut him and--


AJ: Don't you dare. Unless it's a decent safety, a lineman, or a miracle surgeon who can instantly fuse collarbones with no recovery time, don't even think about it or I swear on everything I love I'll blow your cover. Here, I'll help you out...the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. You want to change the outcome? Change the approach!


Jerry: Change...the's just crazy enough to work! Change it how?


AJ: Other than suggesting that you sit down and shut up for the remainder of the season or until things get a little better, that's up to're the owner. Just don't do it this way. Change something, change can't get much worse. If we can't have our Super Bowl this year, at least give us something to be excited about and not this depressing nonsense. We've got the Pack on Sunday...please make sure your team doesn't quit again, or the fans will...and then you can't sell jerseys, bobbleheads, stadium-shaped paperweights or anything else, oil man. Seriously, no offense but you can't have that long left...don't you wanna hoist another big silver trophy?


Jerry: More than anything...I guess I see. Well sir, this has been an enlightening conversation...I may have to do some soul searching on this. But tell me something, son...have you lost all hope for this year?


AJ: Honestly, most of it...but hey, with the way the NFC is working out, 7 wins might get you in the dance...and once you're there, who knows? Anyway, and I say this with the utmost respect: fix this sh*t right now, you ostentatious plastic-faced f*ck!


Jerry: Nobody's spoken to me that way in--


AJ: Blah, blah, blah...fix it!


Jerry: I'll give it a shot, youngster...who knows, you might be right.


AJ: Maybe...I hope so, Coach Jones...or I'm sending you a bill for all the alcohol I've had to consume to stomach this season...and trust me, it's probably a chunk out of even your wallet.


*Jerry laughs, AJ doesn't*


Jerry: Fine, fine...I'll get on it. *pulls down now-visible zipper on Frenchman disguise to reveal finely taliored suit, pulls out phone, punches in one number* All right Jose, bring down the's time to hit that dusty trail back to big D...


*helicopter with big blue star lands in middle of street, pilot beckons*


Pilot: C'mon mang!


*random Philadelphians on street take notice*


Background Philadelphian #1: *points* is that Jerry Jones?


Background Philadelphian #2: Yeah, let's get him!


Background Philadelphian #3: E-A-G...uh, yeah, get him!


Jerry: Whoops, gotta go...I'll think about what you said,


AJ: It's get to de choppa!


Jerry: Thanks, AJ...I'll never forget this...


*Jerry sprints to helicopter, dives in as Eagles fans run towards it like </i>"30 days of Night"*


AJ: Sure you will...bye Coach Jones!


Jerry: Hey AJ!


AJ: Yo!


Jerry: Go Cowboys! Jose, get this damn thing off the ground!


AJ: Yeah! Go Cowboys!


*helicopter takes off with one Eagles fan on, who eventually falls to his death*


AJ: Man, that was cool...


*starts to eat cheesesteak*


AJ: Dammit, my steak is cold now!


Cashier: That's what you get, Cowboys fan!


*AJ sighs, goes home to microwave sandwich and wait for Sunday*

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