Now this is the tale of a man they call Wade
son of Bum Phillps (they should really switch names)
head coach of the Cowboys, or is so in name
for now, but perhaps he has seen his last game
how did this become so? Where did this begin?
As I recall, it was two thousand seven
when Big Bill Parcells quit, abdicated, resigned
(following That Game that still haunts #9)
Parcells had it locked, Jerry wanted the keys!
"I must find a decoy, so they can't blame me!
I run shit, but there have to be 500 coaches
who can look the part, my team's great by osmosis!"
Jerry wondered "Who will be the next coach in line?
I need me a b*tch, Phillips will be fine..."
They sold us that Wade was a defensive genius
but he's JJ's hand puppet, any asshole could see this
some success post-Jimmy led Jerry astray
he thought he could continue succeeding that way
pulling the strings from the box, puppetmaster
(not seeing the rope's on the fans' throats...you bastard...)
All that aside, the season began
and for just a while, Wade P was the man
It started so well, we were 13-3
then lost to the Giants way down in Big D
First round of the playoffs, divisonally
"It was just a fluke, like David Tyree
We'll kick ass in the new year, we're better than this!"
The fans were fanatic, Wade...lost and listless...
"The better team lost today", a statement abhorred...
Yo, the better team won, dick...check the scoreboard!
(I still fume and cuss about that, it's so damning...
knocked out first game by Eli f*cking Manning!
You say it, not I....."Super Bowl MVP!"
it doesn't compute...maybe that's just me...)
13 Pro Bowlers, none in February
there's no fan vote for Big Silver Trophies
we rationalized and dismissed it as luck
on the Giants part, we did not see we were f*cked.
Not yet, however, there would still be much teasing
of our fanhood souls between then and Wade's leaving
Short term, sure...we could still scream "Cowboys rock!
we'll grab one next year, check us out on Hard Knocks!"
'08 started great, then the wheels fell off...
first the Chargers, then B-More...that f*cking Pitt loss
and then came the nadir, (that means lowest sh*t ever
or so we thought then, before that we'd never
seen such a disgrace and thought it absurd
we'd lose that game in such a way to those Birds)
Wade was asked for comment after that debacle
said "Welp...we did a bit worse that we ought to...
we'll check out some film and see where we went wrong,
we'll get better next time..." Same old bullsh*t song.
Truth be told, he should had his fat ass canned right then
(but Crisco came first...copyright infringement...)
but Jerry believed, enabled, endorsed
Wade could right the ship, set it back on course
In hindsight, an error, an egregious sin
(looking back's 20/20, here in twentyten)
but before we get to that colossal decline
I must tell the tale of 2009)
My Boys came renewed and vivified
their spirit refreshed, demons exorcised
This was the year we let go of TO
Miles Austin appeared, as did Felix Jones
"Goddammit Tony!" switched with "Go, Romo, go!"
the defense literally filled with All-Pros
the stars seemed to align, the season went well
2009 heaven to 2008's hell
What should we as 'Boys fans have seen as the death knell?
Wade Phillips and his inept ways came as well.
My football team teased me with flashes of brilliance,
got lucky bounces and showed such resiliance,
broke the trend of losing after November
that's right...my Cowboys did shine that December
they rolled up the Redskins and shut out the Eagles
and stomped them again, they were so enfeebled
(I got joy out of that, and had quite a time
then came that day up in Minnesota
where 'Boys fans remembered that there is a quota
on disappointment we must have each year
3 hours later, it was as we feared...
34-3, and it could have been worse
our quarterback damn near went home in a hearse.
but whither our Wade? What did he have to say?
"Dagnabbit...we sure didn't play well today..."
Well no sh*t, Mr. Holmes, get that all by yourself?
My god you're intelligent...a brain trust, a wealth
of invaluable insight and insider knowledge...
you're a bright football mind, should run coaching college!
Coaching up youngsters one dumb face at a time
Your greatness is more than I'll fit in this rhyme!
(In case you're retarded, this is a classic
example of bitterness turning sarcastic)
An inspiring figure, a leader of men...
aaaaand that leads us to this year, twentyten.
I can scarce find the words, the raw intimation
to capture the scope of the humiliation
I've had to endure since the season began
or even add up all the empty beer cans,
the air-filled booze bottles, the lighters burned out
I created since the Cowboys season turned south.
They say one man makes not a team alone,
but it seems the team's heart broke with a certain neck bone
I'm a staunch fan, never been a hater,
but that's the common factor? The denominator?
who deserves the door first? Might not have a job later?
look no further than our super motivator!
that's right, our boy Wade! Mr. Phillps himself!
The pass rushing guru! The wizard of blitzing (with no safety help)
the man with the plan, secretary of defense!
a coach both of mind and body immense!
A man whose confusion confuses his team
a man who thinks benching bums is just mean
a man who never gets down, shook, or deterred
he just makes stupid faces, forgets mistakes occurred
"Everything's fine!" is a sentence oft-heard
(and each time he says it, I flip him the bird)
Single patent-holder of the EZ-Pass D!
I can't take this no more...somebody shoot me.
Please fire this man, he looks broken, defeated
his will to live dwindled, his resolve depleted
is it only his fault that the 'Boys play this way?
Hell no...but he's causing my hair to go gray.
I can't watch him make one more stupid ass face
throw one more dumb challenge at the wrong time and place
run that same damn blitz with the 2 worst linebackers
leave Ball out in coverage with a "Run By Me" placard
oversights underwhelming, understanding overstated
He along with his team vastly overrated
I only hope Jerry has mercy this day
and gives Wade a pink slip in public display
It might not change sh*t, but this here is fail
an unstoppable train wreck, a season derailed
well I've typed everything that I care to say...
besides "Yo, Jerry...fire Wade TODAY!"
(and don't promote Garrett either...f*ckin idiot...)