Hey buddy, how you feeling? I know you just lost your job. Tough, huh? I know we’re all pissed and were probably really mean to you the last few months… our bad. So here’s my breakup letter, I hope you understand
First of all, let me thank you for a lot of things:
1) Thank you for the 34 wins in your 3 full seasons. 13, 9 and 12- pretty friggin’ impressive man (other than the 10win season in Parcells’s opening year, we hadn’t hit double digits since 1998!)
2) Two division titles. The NFC East has always been one of the power division so that’s a great job by you. The last time we hosted a playoff game, Bill Clinton was still our President and W hadn’t destroyed our country yet! Ohh yeah you’re from the South, you probably like W – lets just agree to disagree on that one, k? But seriously, we hosted two playoff games and had a first round bye – that’s a big deal, even though we lost the first one against the future champs (ugh)
3) A Playoff win – You did something we couldn’t do over the last thirteen years – you got that monkey off our backs. Thank you
4) Until this year, you had one of the most fearless defenses in the league. Last year your defense pitched back2back shutouts IN the division to get us the division and into the playoffs – that’s awesome… I remember those last few weeks of December fondly.
So thanks for that – I generally enjoyed the last 3.5years - I definitely cant say that about the previous 10. So that’s pretty cool. But here’s why we needed to break up:
1) Over ANYTHING, you’re such an enabler. You enable all of us to be weaker. Your players, your owner and your fans. By having the easiest training camp in the league, none of your players ever get hurt in camp. That’s awesome except that they’re not ready for the season. As a fan I see a completely healthy team and think they’re gonna be same guys that ended the season so strong. And they’re not – you don’t think Mike Jenkins and Anthony Spencer could’ve used a hard pre-season? Look at them now – they’ve regressed so hard, that right now Mike may be the WORST corner in the game. Seriously, how do two guys go from being Pro-Bowlers (and Spencer an all-pro) to being absolutely terrible. It’s sickening and its all your fault
2) Someone compared you to the dad that feeds his kids ice cream for breakfast, lunch and dinner and then wonders why they’re annoying and overweight brats… all your kids lack discipline – the disgusting level of penalties and mental errors has seriously cost me a few years of my life. It makes me wanna throw stuff and step on my jersey and detest being a fan of this team. And this is on you my friend
3) You’re not as bad as Andy Reid with in-game management but you’ll make some decisions that are so indefensible they make me wanna set myself on fire. What the hell were you challenging last night? You realize that challenge cost us the opportunity to challenge the TD that made it 28-0. The NBC broadcasts was so confused they couldn’t even find a good replay to show what you thought may have happened – they went to commercial instead! Also, why the f*ck were you going for the TD vs the Giants instead of kicking the FG when you knew we needed one? You thought Kitna would covert a 4th and 6??! You realize the team caught fire at the end and had a shot but of course, we needed that fg. Jesus Wade…
There’s a lot more I can add obviously but what’s the point? I know you’re probably upset I jumped into such a quick relationship with a (no longer) hot young redhead but don’t worry, I swear its just a rebound… hopefully it’ll be fun and I can get some of the life I had before this year. It cant get worse than the last two weeks, right?
Good luck in whatever you do, Wade. Just know that it wasn’t all your fault… but you sure made it easy for all of us to fall apart… the players, the owners and of course your fans