I hate to tell you this, but you were in a major accident and slipped into a coma. The good news is, thanks to some quick work by the doctors, you’re going to recover like nothing ever happened to you. But you’ve been sleeping for a few weeks. Here’s what happened while you were out…
After Jerry’s drunken video fiasco, Rich Dalrymple convinced him to hire a GM to take some of the media heat off. It just so happens that I met Jerry in first class on a flight from L.A. to Dallas for a business meeting and he, again, after a few glasses of Macallan 18, hired me on the spot for the job.
So, I developed a plan to reinvigorate the Cowboys, using the draft, existing players and a little gamesmanship. Let me bring you up to speed on how it all went down.
First, I called Mike Brown and traded Martellus Bennett and our #1 (#27) to the Bengals for their #21 and their 5th round pick. Now, keep in mind that it was important for me to get up to #21. John Garrett called me crying tears of joy when he heard of the trade. In the War Room, Jerry was so happy that he poured himself a double Vodka Martini.
So now I owned #21 and the 21st pick in the 5th round along with my other picks.
I then traded our 2nd round pick (#59) and our newly acquired 5th rounder to the Tampa Bay buccaneers for OT, Donald Penn. We signed him to a 4-year deal that was VERY cap-friendly (potential for a cap in the new CBA) after year 2. Jerry, flush with the flurry of trade success, grabbed some Johnny Walker (Blue Label, of course) and poured himself a double while giving the finger to the NFL Network’s War Room Cam.
Next, I traded Tashard Choice to the Detroit Lions for their 2nd round pick. The Lions, with Kevin Smith recovering from a separated shoulder and a torn ACL, knew that because they had no shot at Spiller in round 1, none of the running backs that they could draft at #34 had nearly the upside of Choice. Jerry threw down a glass of Maker’s Mark and proceeded to put Wade in a headlock and rub his knuckles on Wade’s head. Then he called Flozell Adams to make sure there were no hard feelings, but Flozell couldn’t hear him.
So now, I had given away #59, moved up to #21, gained #34, my other picks and gotten Donald Penn.
Then, I traded Marcus Spears to the Cleveland Browns for their 3rd round pick (#71). As you know, the Browns have struggled to find a solid DE to pair with Shaun Rogers, who has had legal troubles, and need a bigger starter there who has proven they can defend against the kind of power runs that Baltimore and Pittsburgh rely so heavily on. Tom Heckert, their new GM, was only too happy to oblige. Truth be told, I asked Jerry to call Holmgren on this one and promise him he could sit in Jerry’s suite at the upcoming Super Bowl in Dallas. After all, Holmgren won’t be attending a Super Bowl any time soon without a ticket. Jason Hatcher called me to tell me how excited he was. I replied, “I’m sorry, who are you again?” Jerry was holding a glass of Glenfiddich in one hand and arm wrestling Ray Sherman with the other.
I was fist bumping with Cisky over the haul as we now had #21, added #34, #71, plus our picks plus Donald Penn! Jerry was celebrating with what looked like a Black and Tan while showing everyone the benefits of Yoga and how to properly execute the Downward Dog.
Then, just to ensure there was no monkey business, I called Bill Bellicheat and told him I was in the market for a WR and if I couldn’t get Brandon Tate for a 4th rounder, I would be forced to go after his brother-from-another-mother, Golden Tate in round 1. He said I was a “doofus rookie GM” and Tate was not for sale. Jackpot.
As our spot came up, we took DE Jared Odrick at #21, which reportedly sent Bellicheat into an apoplectic fit. Massachusetts General Hospital reports he is still getting fluids but doing fine. Who’s a doofus now??? Oh yeah, Jason Hatcher was seen in a fetal position on his bed in his underwear, clutching a pillow and sucking his thumb after we made the pick. Sorry Jason. Jerry, having just lost a game of beer pong against Redball, proceeded to sneak up behind Paul Pasqualoni, grab his underwear and pull it up and over his head. Scariest Melvin you ever saw…
At #34, we took FS, Nate Allen mostly because Cisky had him rated as the #1 FS on his board (who knows? it’s Cisky). Jerry was pounding tequila shots with Campo in celebration and they were singing some Keith Urban song in poor harmonic Karaoke. Now it was a party.
At #71 we lucked out. OT Kyle Calloway was still on the board and we jumped at him, mostly as insurance against further injury to Colombo. But we knew that Penn’s weight ballooned up to 370 where it was at the end of last season, Doug Free would have to step in. We think Calloway, who is nasty like Colombo, has a bright future at RT. Jerry cut a piece of the hose from the fire extinguisher and used it to beer-bong with Reggie Herring. Jerry beat him…three straight times.
At #90, we took TE Jimmy Graham from Miami. He is still learning the position, but wowed Cisky with his athleticism, 6’7” frame and work ethic. From a cerebral perspective, he’s the antithesis of Telly B. John Garrett called me crying tears of joy after seeing the pick go up. At this point, Jerry was wearing a toga like a Roman emperor and walking on the backs of Houck, Juraszek and Ray Sherman while holding a 40 of King Cobra. Dalrymple was trying to throw his suit jacket over the lens of the NFL Network War Room Cam mounted in the corner of the room.
At #125, we took Darius Marshall, RB out of Marshall. Cisky says Marshall is a mirror image of Tashard Choice. He’s shifty and sudden but with good patience and looks for the next man because he always seems to make the first defender miss. Jerry and Skip Peete are standing on their heads, balanced against the wall, doing upside down kamikaze shots.
In round 6, we took WR Antonio Brown out of Central Michigan. Cisky says, “this guy cuts at full speed effortlessly and, on film, has shown the deep speed to threaten the best corners in the game”. At this point, Jerry is chugging a Long Island Iced Tea and seems to be shouting obscenities about Jimmy Johnson into a mini-video camera he is holding. Dalrymple tackled Jerry better than Deion Sanders ever did and was trying to wrestle it away from him, to no avail. You can check it out on Youtube.
In round 7, we selected DT/NT Travis Ivey from Maryland, mostly because Cisky thinks he can bulk up to 340 and not lose a bit of his first step. He’s a project, but has a great motor and is an ideal backup to Ratliff. Jerry is dancing buck naked on top of the War Room table to Diddy-Dirty Money’s “Hello, Good Morning” while Dalrymple is hurling his body at the NFL Network Camera trying to knock it off its tripod.
In the end, we lost Bennett, Spears and Choice.
We gained Donald Penn, Jared Odrick, Nate Allen, Kyle Calloway, Jimmy Graham, Darius Marshall, Antonio Brown and Travis Ivey…and a new GM. Jerry is at the Betty Ford clinic drying out with Lindsay Lohan and Kanye.
The most important thing is you’re going to be okay.