Football fans like to watch their team on Sunday, catch Monday Night Football if it's a decent game, maybe catch another game or two during the weekend. You and I, my friend, are not football fans. We are the rabid wolves of fandom. We are football epicureans. Especially when it comes to personnel speculation. Speculation, in fact, is the essence of our fandom. The disparity between the amount of time we brood over football and the amount of legit football fodder available is, sadly, quite profound. We recycle conversation topics until they are deader than dead; we overthink the most insignificant minutia that pops up on PFT. We make s*** up to fill the void.
...Which is why speculation is firmly rooted in our wheelhouses. It's what sustains us. What's that? You want us to pay attention to baseball and quit working over what might possibly happen during free agency if free agency might possibly happen this year? F that.
...Which is why you will be totally on board with considering personnel scenarios that stretch even the remotest hypothetical boundaries.
....Which is why I'm spending a large part of my workday breaking down the top athletes in non-football sports whom I'd love the Cowboys to take a flier on in training camp. Like back in the days of the 16 round draft, when Gil Brandt would burn a pick on Pat Riley or Goliath (guy in Bible - sadly deceased at the time). Are you chubbing yet?
10. LeBron James. Previous to the 2011 NBA playoffs, I thought LeBron would be an unstoppable pass rusher, due to size/power/huge testes. Today, I think he's much too soft to play defense. His athleticism would make him an uncoverable WR or TE. In the huddle the call is "LeBron, just go out for a pass."
9. Usain Bolt. See above. Too soft to play D, but wouldn't you like to see him run a go route down the left sideline?
8. Brock Lesnar. He's a 265 lb. human rhinoceros. He could be a terror of a middle linebacker, if he has the feet for it. I'd pay to get him on the field and see.
7. Ben Johnson (ca. 1986). Not just another world-record holding sprinter over 100 meters. How about a completely roided-out world record holding sprinter who reputedly bench pressed over 500 lbs. and whose eyes had turned yellow due to ungodly pharmacological experimentation and undiluted badassery? In his recent autobiography, From Soul to Seoul, Johnson claims, among other things, that he was an Egyptian pharaoh in an earlier life. You do not want to f*** with this guy.
6. J.J. Barea. He's tiny, but scrappy. Like huge swinging balls scrappy. He'd be impossible to locate if you were trying to tackle him. Might make a nifty return guy/scatback; perhaps the Hispanic Danny Woodhead. Plus, I don't get the feeling he watches much NFL- he probably has no idea how big and mean these players are, which helps.
5. The Most Interesting Man in the World. The Dos Equis Man. He's old and bearded, but do you doubt him?
4. Shaquille O'Neal (ca. 1996). 15 years ago, Shaq weighed only about 350 pounds, and was super athletic for a big man. I'd put him anywhere on the D Line on passing downs and tell him to hit the QB or get his hands up, and feel pretty good about it. He would also block every extra point, and I would instruct him to dunk the ball over the goalpost and growl at the opposition bench after doing so. It would be awesome.
3. Glen "Big Baby" Davis may challenge LeBron James for the world's best combination of size and athleticism. Skeptical? See Exhibit A. 6'9", 290 lbs. of pure NFL left tackle, playing center for the Boston Celtics. Still not convinced? In 2001, at the age of 15, Big Baby attended Shaquille O'Neal's basketball camp. Shaq (being Shaq) challenged the youngster to a friendly wrestling match. Davis promptly lifted Mr. O'Neal off of his feet and bodyslammed him to the ground. Don't believe it? Wikipedia, biatch. Wikipedia never lies. Note that Big Baby eventually attended LSU. Because Shaq runs s*** at LSU, and put in a good word.
2. Tiger Woods (ca. 2007) If you gave him a year, he could have mastered the quarterback position. He was also super jacked back then, when he apparently required regular injections of HGH from a shady Canadian doctor to keep his testosterone levels up, because he was using his testosterone levels to pummel and plunder Hooter's waitresses. So he'd have fit right into the NFL social scene.
1. Jules, from Pulp Fiction. As a coach. I know, not a real athlete (or a real person, for that matter)… sue me. I would fire Bob Ryan today and install Jules as the defensive coordinator. I'd let him smoke on the field, I'd let him carry his gun, I'd let him hit my players. As long as he kept spewing that wild s*** from Eucalyptus 16:13 or whatever it was, the part about "the path of the righteous man beset with iniquities blah blah, when I lay my vengeance upon thee"...something. Because that would inspire and get through to today's players. Can you imagine his sideline reactions to a Tony Romo interception? "Tony, does Asante Samuel look like a bitch? I mean, does Asante Samuel look like Roy Williams? Then why are you trying to...."