Come one, and come all, because this New Year's Day has brought about a MASSIVE inventory sellout that you just can't miss out on here at Jerry's Mega-World Emporium of Used Talent!! Have you been searching longingly for that special player that can complete your roster and make it Super Bowl READY?!? Do you stay up at night, wishing and praying that a mega-talented superstar is going to walk through YOUR door?!? Here at Jerry's World, we don't exactly specialize in this type of talent. But who cares!! Selection like this does not come around often!! The immensely helpful sales associates here at Jerry's are here to offer our 2012 winter collection to YOU at special close out prices!!! You would be INSANE not to take these deals!!! Stock up your roster and save your team from another offseason full of lost hopes and dreams!!! No Credit? NO PROBLEM!!! No money down and great interest rates available personalized just for YOU for this VERY limited time offer. So before I tell you about all the great talent we are making available to YOU, just shut your computer and fly on down to Arlington without doing any extra research. It would be a WASTE of your time NOT TO!!!! So get on down here to Jerry's Mega-World Emporium of Used Talent and make the move!!!!
SALE!!! SALE!!!! SALE!!! See our entire inventory of GREAT used talent after the jump!!!
Here in our first offering, boy do we have a TREAT for YOU!!!
Name: Anthony Spencer Age: 27 Experience: 5 Years
For any of you deal-searchers out there looking for someone to almost always make plays, this if YOUR guy! Anthony ALWAYS puts himself in position to make SPECTACULAR plays every game*! He even almost had a sack against the GIANTS as shown here!!! Don't worry about the fact he hasn't gotten any better in the last 3 years! This is YOUR guy. We here at Jerry's believed in Anthony so much that we moved in front of our competitors to make sure he was ours. But now we want to move the talent on to YOU!!! Anthony can be yours TODAY! Nobody knows Anthony quite like we do, and of course we stand by our comprehensive 60 tackle, 5 sack guarantee (as long as you qualify**). Make an offer TODAY!!!
*(rarely actually makes that play)
**(qualifications include playing him opposite the best pass rusher in the NFL, so as to guarantee single-man blocking)
We're just getting started here at Jerry's Mega-World Emporium of Used Talent, so read on for more GREAT players!!!
Name: Abram Elam Age: 30 Experience: 7 years
Troy Polamalu. Ed Reed. Eric Berry. All of these are great NFL safeties. We here at Jerry's don't have quite this level of talent, but what we do have will BLOW YOUR MIND*!!! We here at Jerry's were THRILLED to be able to add Abram to our inventory this year, after massive mistakes in judgement were made by a few other teams in not signing him**. Don't be worried by the lack of sacks (0) and interceptions (0) this year. Abram made a GREAT play against the RAMS!!! And look at him CHASE down Kevin Kolb!!! We made a mistake 5 years ago in letting Abram get away from us then, don't let yourself make the same mistake TODAY!!!
**(31 teams passed)
FLASHING LIGHTS!!! FLASHING LIGHTS!!!! 2-FOR-1 SPECIAL ALERT!!!!!!
Name: Bradie James Age: 30 Experience: 9 Years
Name: Keith Brooking Age: 36 Experience: 14 Years
If YOU are looking for an INFUSION of HEART and SOUL, boy do we have a HEART-STOPPING deal for you!!! For a limited time only, we are offering two of the GREAT inside linebackers of this past half-decade*. As a package deal, you could not ask for more in terms of PASSION and HEART!! They are always where they need to be** and make the tackles once they get there. Look at the combo-job they are doing on DeAngelo Williams after only a 50 yard run!!! I bet he won't dare run that ball again!!! These are not your father's linebackers***, we can promise you that!!! DONT let this DEAL get away!!!
**(only one second after they're supposed to be there)
***(they are actually more likely your grandfathers linebackers)
Don't like Defense??? We have Offense too!!!
Name: Kyle Kosier Age: 33 Experience: 10 Years
Long, flowing locks. A dark side that can overtake and dominate. A massive, bouncy chest. A big bushy beard? No, not Lindsay Lohan silly!!!! We have even better!! Kyle hasn't always been a force on our Offensive line, but he has definitely been there*!!! Add Kyle to your team and watch the yards and blocks** add up!!! Don't miss out on this character builder as an asset for YOUR team!! Come check him out in our showroom TODAY!!!
*(when not injured, of course)
**(penalty yards and missed blocks, respectively)
Not impressed yet?? Our final, most prized item is NEXT!!!!
Name: Terence Newman Age: 33 Experience: 9 Years
We have a true gem here, ladies and gentleman. Break out your checkbooks and cancel your kid's student loan payments, because you are going to want to BREAK the bank for this one!!! Terence has been a stalwart on this team for nearly a decade!!! Even at 33 he tied for the team lead in interceptions*!!! If there are any questions about his ability at age 33, just don't ask them. Look at the effort he gave trying to tackle the freakishly-athletic perennial all-pro Bear Pascoe**. If you don't come and get Terence, you sure will be SORRY you let him get away!!! He was a former Top-10 DRAFT PICK!!!!
*(with a linebacker)
**(OPOY and all-county team qualifier for Granite Hills H.S.)
We hope you enjoyed our comprehensive view of the FINEST INVENTORY from Waco to New Orleans*. Come down today and MAKE AN OFFER!!! This week only when you commit to buy ANYTHING in our STOREROOM we will throw in a Dave Campo FREE OF CHARGE!!!! Also a free Phil Costa with a test drive**!!!! DON'T MISS OUT!!!!
*(except for Houston)
**(or you can just have him. please. just take him.)