Well, I suppose vacation time is over. I guess I need to get back to the grindstone so here's my 12-pack from the Ravens game.
The good news is that while we lost, we at least played well enough that I have no inclination to include crappy American light lagers as did last time.
With that, join me past the jump as I order another New Belgium (Fort Collins, CO) Ranger India Pale Ale at the 810 Zone in Lenexa, KS.
1. I don't know if this was an outlier; that this was simply the exception that proves the rule that this line is awful, but I suppose I should begin up front. While I will point out some notable players, I do want to give Bill Callahan some props because this is exactly the kind of progress we would hope for after a bye. Bill's from Chicago, so I'm going to give him something from the ol' hometown, a Goose Island (Chicago, IL) Barrel Aged Run for the Roses Dry Irish Stout. He surely got his big barrels running downhill over the Ravens and if it turns out this is a harbinger of things to come, things may very well come up pretty darn rosy.
2. OK, I promised I would not include any crappy American light lagers, but I guess I lied. This definitely falls in the category of it ain't broke, don't fix it, so Mackenzy Bernadeau I'm giving you another Miller (Milwaukee, WI) Milwaukee's Best Light. You have been so bad this year that I don't yet believe what you did against the Ravens is who you are, but if getting a Milwaukee's Beast inspired you to that performance, I'm sure as hell giving you another one. You have another game like that, though, and I might just give you some carrot to replace that stick.
3. Yeah, Tyron Smith, I know you got two holding penalties against the Ravens. But I kind of like that they came after they mattered. I kind of like that you kept going and going. I kind of like that these penalties came not from a mental mistake but from trying too hard. Hopefully, they won't happen again, but you are a strong and aggressive dude that will be the heart of our line for the next decade. Here's an Erie (Erie, PA) Railbender Scottish Ale to reward you for the defensive linemen you have bent and will bend into pretzels.
4. The dark side of the line has been the play of Doug Free. What happened to that guy that raced downfield against the Eagles to clear out that last blocker for Felix in 2010? Whatever happened, he's "earned" a Ballast Point (San Diego, CA) Time to Panic American Pale Ale. I'm glad we saw progress from Jeremy Parnell (despite the false start this week), because his time might be sooner rather than later.
5. Pro Football Focus did something it rarely does. It gave its game ball to an offensive lineman of the opposing team. Hence, who am I to not give Phil Costa a beer after than performance. Welcome back, Phil, maybe you're not as bad as we fans think. You certainly played a good game against the Ravens. In fact, you played a Bru Rm (New Haven, CT) Damn Good American Stout kind of game.
6. Speaking of returns, it's good to see you again Felix Jones. That was a nice game, and we'll need it again against the Panthers with DeMarco out. Carolina, may I introduce a Le Bilboquet (Montreal, Quebec) La Felix Eisbock, because hopefully he'll be a lucky charm for us.
7. Speaking of DeMarco, here's a Firestone Walker (Paso Rubles, CA) Good Foot American Strong Ale to replace the foot that's gone bad.
8. Well, Dez Bryant, you are starting to show something positive. You've had two productive games in a row with over 100 yards two games ago and 13 for 95 with 2 TDs this week. Nevertheless, there's a problem. While you provide a lot of energy and get us going, the last two weeks you've left us feeling a little sick. That earns you a Blue Point (Patchogue, NY) Toxic Sludge American Black Ale for the industrial waste built up in those losses.
9. In past weeks I've been giving out beers like mad to the defense, but this week there's reason, mostly good but some bad, to give out beers to everyone else. Yet I feel like I ought to give out a beer to at least one of Ryan's thugs. In a game of nothing particularly outstanding by the defense, despite solid performances by the usual suspects like Sean Lee, DeMarcus Ware, Bruce Carter, Mike Jenkins and Brandon Carr, I'm going to give out probably the only beer Alex Albright will get this year. That was a really nice tackle-for-loss that forced a field goal early in the game. Here's a Golden City (Golden, CO) Stand Up Double India Pale Ale for standing up Bernard Pierce and preventing that early monster drive of 14 plays from really cashing in.
10. On to the shambles that is our special teams. This goes out to the entire Dallas Cowboys kickoff coverage team. I'd ask what the heck that was against Jacoby Jones but we all know the answer: a crappy job of coverage that in effect lost the game. You all get a single El Cajon (El Cajon, CA) Shady Lane American Pale Ale for that shady and shoddy job of staying in your lanes. Pass that beer around and contemplate how to make sure that never happens again.
11. Ah, the life of a kicker. In a game punctuated by a series of mistakes by everyone else, yours was perhaps the most visible. It's certainly not fair, and had the rest of the team played better, you would not have needed to be out there for a game winning field goal. Nevertheless, Dan Bailey, you did miss, and everyone saw it. Here is a Big Time (Seattle, WA) Dark Days Black India Pale Ale. You're a good kicker, and I'm giving you a good beer, but please don't ever give us any more dark days.
12. You know, Jerry, I'm not one of those guys that thinks you're the worst GM ever. You're certainly one of the best owners around, and given that I see the catastrophe that is Clark Hunt here in Kansas City I certainly have some perspective. If you could spend a billion to give the Cowboys another Super Bowl win, you would, and I appreciate that. But let's just calm down on the whole "we've got a chance at the Super Bowl" thing. Let's get a win first. Let's follow the process. Here's something super, though, a Big Al (Seattle, WA) Super Kriek American Wild Ale, for you to enjoy while the rest of us watch the Boys with at least a bit of objectivity. I will say, however, that if the Boys do make it to the Super Bowl, I will totally send you a a 6-pack of something Super for realz. And, if you're curious, ask JimmyK if I back up my bets.