Well, that was craptastic. And I suppose that is the theme of this week's 12-pack, craptasticness. Follow the jump for more beers that are sex in a canoe than I will ever talk about again.
1. Well, the most craptastic news of the NFL this past weekend was not the Cowboys loss, no matter how much we all suffered. Though suffer we did, the worst part of the weekend was the diagnosis of Chuck Pagano's leukemia. Here's a drop of Lord Nelson (Sydney, Australia) Nelson's Blood American Porter to help speed him on his recovery.
2. OK, I get it. In fact, I get it all too well, with my mother being diagnosed with breast cancer in August, fortunately enough at the best possible time with the best possible results so far. So, yeah, I'm in favor of money to help fight breast cancer. But, I have to ask, how much pink do we have to have? Some is good, but there's a point where it's too much and I wonder if we've exceeded that point. Do we need something like 7 items per player (shoes, gloves, wristbands, etc.)? I don't know about you, but on an HD TV, that much pink is painful to my eyes. Nevertheless, I must send out Cisco (Nantucket, MA) Pink Lady Witbier to all the women who have suffered from breast cancer, Mom included. At least this beer won't hurt your eyes.
3. On to the Cowboys. Though there were a few positives and I normally like to focus on them, there will be no beer going to Sean Lee or Jason Witten or Tyron Smith or even Brian Moorman. Nope, this week, we're looking at the negatives and I'm going to start with Kevin Ogletree. You've played pretty well, but that drop resulting in an interception was obviously huge and, yes, craptastic. Here's a Coors (Golden, CO) Original American Lager for tipping that ball almost as high as the Rockies making that about the easiest interception ever.
4. No, wait, the easiest interception ever went to Charles Tillman. So, um, Dez, yeah, running the right route is kind of useful. Here's an Anheuser-Busch (St. Louis, MO) Busch American Lager for that bush-league read.
5. Here's a beer for you, Miles Austin, not for any receptions. Yeah, you're our best receiver, and it ain't close but this is different. You get a Coronado (Coronado, CA) Stupid Stout because you had 2 tackles during the game, and that's just stupid.
6. You all may not remember this, but there was once a beer that was completely generic. The label was the bar code, and this was before bar codes were quite so ubiquitous. Now, I don't lay all of the interceptions at Tony Romo's feet, as the previous beers will attest, but at best he played a mediocre game, almost generic. It's so generic that there's no brewery and no location and it was wretched beer but here's one for Tony after that game.
7. Probably the worst beer that I can possibly think of is the Miller (Milwaukee, WI) Milwaukee's Best Light. I don't think I really need to explain why Mackenzy Bernadeau gets a 6-pack of this.
8. While we're at it, Doug Free, you've been a collection of craptasticness for two years now. It's becoming sadly apparent that 2010 was an aberration. You get a Molson (Toronto, ON) Golden American Blonde Ale. Don't let the type of beer fool you, it's bad, really really bad. A bad beer with a golden name for a bad player with a golden contract.
9. It's great having the best backup QB in football, ain't it? Here's an AC Golden (Golden, CO) Hidden Barrel Apricot for Kyle Orton, who actually did play well, but who we hope remains hidden on the bench forevermore.
10. I actually don't want to give this one out, but 22 yards per pass defended sort of requires some sort of notice. You're a gamer, but Danny McCray that performance deserves an Alexander Keith's Light for the way you were lit up.
11. Sometimes, Rob Ryan, you are a genius, but sometimes we get frustrated. Like when the Bears were pinned inside their 10 twice and we weren't able to force a 3 and out. Here's a beer, however, that is known for its outrageous, legendary, and silly beer cans. Their cans looked so cool, but their beer was really bad. By far not the worst on this list, but still bad. You look good, and the stats don't look bad, but we know that that was a bad game and you have earned a Pittsburgh (Pittsburgh, PA) Olde Frothingslosh American Lager.
12. Jason Garrett, I again want to emphasize that I believe in the process, but for fans like me, every loss is painful. I have no doubts that you are more frustrated than we are, but you and the Boys have the opportunity to work and try to fix the problem. We, however, can only wait and hope for the next game and wish we could help. Worse yet, we're heading into a bye week, meaning we're saddened for two weeks. So you, and the team, get a few 2-4's of Labatt's (London, ON) Blue American Lager for making every Cowboys fan, well, blue.
Well, that's it for now. Believe me, I didn't drink any of these beers while writing this one. Sadly, as we all know, even a truly delicious Tree (Kelowna, BC) Hop Head Black India Pale Ale can't completely wash the taste out of ours mouths after that loss. The only thing that will wash that taste out are a few victories in a row. Here's hoping the bye week helps.