Alternate Reality Check

Well, well, well...Here we are again. We're stuck in the middle of another off-season. Hours roll into days. Days roll into weeks. Weeks roll into months. Torture. In the past, the off-season for me has consisted of replaying the previous year's games over and over. Then I play the games from the year before that and the year before that and the year...You get the picture. The whole time the wife is huddled in the corner whispering into her cell phone, picking the brain of some radio psychologist, I'm sure. It has been misery.

Then, a couple of months ago, I stumbled onto BTB. It was if a door had been opened into a world I never knew existed. All I had to do was click on the computer and I was surrounded by people suffering from the same condition that afflicted me---a severe addiction to the Dallas Cowboys. The array of characters is impressive. We have lawyers, professors, policemen, medical and military personel, business men and women and at least one thoroughly goofy carpenter/cabinet-maker. We have optomists, pessimists and realists, oh, my. Old ones, young ones and those of us in the middle. I'm still getting a grasp on everyone's personality. Learning the likes and dislikes of the regular posters has been, and will continue to be, an enjoyable challenge.

But what thrills me the most, is the incredible job our lead writers do on a day-to-day basis. How in the world do you guys find such interesting things to write about in this, the most uninteresting phase of the football year? Everyday, I know I'm going to read three or four fascinating articles about my favorite team. And on top of that, I get to read what dozens of other Cowboy fanatics feel about those same articles. I can't believe this has been going on behind my back all these years. Makes me wanna hurl.

So, before I blow chunks of a half-digested meatloaf sandwich on my keyboard, I want to thank the guys who make this possible. Knuckle-smashes all around to OCC, Tom, KD, Rabble, Archie, Coty and company. You guys bust your collective butts to give us a daily dose of entertaining Cowboys reality. Your hard work is deeply appreciated. And the quality of your contributions is greatly respected. From one fan to another, thank you.

Now that all the gooey, sentimental nonsense is out of the way, let's get to the meat of the post.

Find out what that is after a word from our sponsor...

I mentioned earlier that the lead writers give us doses of "Cowboys reality". And, yes, we desperately need that. But I have to wonder, what would the off-season news look like if we were subjected to Cowboys "un"reality? What stories would captivate our interests in a slightly different universe? Some people subscribe to the theory of an infinite number of universes containing an infinite number of Earths. Me...I don't know. Heck, I'm a semi-educated wood-worker who's lucky he hits the toilet at 2:30 in the morning. What do I know about all that stuff. But what I do know, is that the possibilities make me positively giddy.

So, why don't we check the wire and see what may be transpiring on another of these big, blue rocks...

Romo and Witten call it quits

In an emotional, joint press conference this afternoon, star players for the Dallas Cowboys, quarterback Tony Romo and tight end Jason Witten, publicly announced what had been suspected for weeks---their personal relationship has come to an end. After eight years of being the NFL's favorite couple, the two former Pro Bowlers have decided to call it quits. No reason was given by either for the decision. However, three weeks ago, Jason Witten was spotted at a cozy Dallas-area eatery with an unnamed companion. Other diners verified that Witten and his much younger guest feasted on salmon and salad and sipped Slippery Nipples well into the evening. Romo has yet to comment about that night, other than to confirm he was not present.

One can only speculate if the two will be able to leave the personal issues on the sidelines and out of the huddle in the up-coming season. When presented with this question, both seemed confident of their abilities to do just that. Stating, they are professionals and will continue to perform to the expectations of their teammates, coaches and fans.

As the press conference was winding down, Witten was asked if their on-field chemistry would be hindered in anyway by the break-up. Jason responded, "If we had any chemistry left, we would still be together". Following that rather candid remark, Romo slapped his tight end across the face and ran from the podium in tears. It should be an interesting season...

Costa assaults elderly woman

Witnesses to the incident confirmed that early Tuesday evening, Dallas Cowboy center Phil Costa, was walking on the sidewalk of a busy Dallas street, speaking on his cell phone, when an unidentified man approached Costa from behind and yelled, "Hike!". The big offensive lineman jumped with a start and hurled his cell phone into a crowd waiting for the bus, striking 84 year-old Madge Rosenblatt squarely between the eyes. Ms. Rosenblatt was not seriously injured and after a brief examination by EMTs, was allowed to go on her way. The retired kindergarten teacher had no comment about her brush with fame other than to sigh and whisper, "Oy, vey".

No charges were filed against Costa, but while being questioned by police officers, the third-year center was heard complaining, "They can't do that! They can't just yell out 'Hike!'."

One of the officers snickered and replied, "Next time, son, just lob the phone over her head."

Orton causes panic

Newly acquired free agent quarterback Kyle Orton has given the Dallas Cowboys much-needed stability in the position of Tony Romo's back-up. His experience and leadership ability will be a valuable asset both in the locker room and on the field. It appears, however, that his influence can be felt in other aspects as well.

Earlier this week, a photograph of Orton drinking a glass of milk at a luncheon was released by the Associated Press. The following day at the Jack Daniels Distillery in Lynchburg, TN, a sign was seen hanging on the front door reading "Going Out Of Business".

Austin has experimental surgery

Just in time for the Dallas Cowboys' OTAs, wide receiver Miles Austin claims he has fully recovered from a unique and, previously, untried surgery. After suffering from chronic hamstring injuries his entire career, the charasmatic wide-out had those troubled hamstrings replaced with braided piano wire.

Not only has the surgery permanently tempered any lingering doubts about Austins future NFL career, it has also left him with an unusual side-effect. While running routes to demonstrate the effectiveness of the procedure, "Chopsticks" could be heard eminating from Austin's pants. The faster he ran, the faster the piano wire played. After the workout, Miles addressed the issue. "At least the damn things didn't play 'Hail to the Redskins'", he quipped.

In a sidenote, Austin also announced that upon his death, he would be donating his gums to science. That was a very generous and selfless thing to do. There is enough raw material in his mouth to furnish every dental school in the country with suitable samples. Good for you, Miles...

Garrett breaks down

Dallas Cowboys head coach Jason Garrett has never been accused of being an overly emotional man. Well, today at a fund-raiser for a local children's hospital, that image was dispelled forever. Apparently, the emotion chip in Garrett's positronic brain malfunctioned, causing the usually stoic coach to laugh hysterically and blow rasberries at the astonished onlookers. No one was physically injured, but several terminally ill young patients had to be squeegeed.

Several hours later, Garrett emerged from the hospital and informed a throng of reporters that the situation had been corrected and the emotion chip would no longer pose a problem. After his statement, the third year coach winked at a female journalist and grabbed his crotch suggestively, shouting, "Who's up for naked Twister?". I think the chip may need some more work...

I sincerely hope this post is taken in the good-natured way in which it was written. It has not been my intention to offend or insult any readers. I just felt the need to, hopefully, bring a few chuckles to the BTB community in what is a very boring time of the football year. Maybe, in the future, we can visit some more Cowboy "un"realities and see what our favorite players are up to over there...

Another user-created commentary provided by a BTB reader.

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