NEWS FROM CAMP #5
Kenyon Coleman was fined for being late to the morning practice today after he got stuck on a broken escalator for 25 minutes when it stopped moving unexpectedly.
In thinking about the ways in which groups of animals are classified (such as a "Pride of Lions," a "Parliament of Owls," a "Gaggle of Geese," etc.) the NFL offices have decided to begin experimenting with "classifying" NFL teams in similar fashion for marketing purposes.
The NFC East is the first Division to garner team-specific classification by the NFL marketing gurus and it will be as follows: a "Prison of Eagles," for Philadelphia, a "Sewer of Giants" for NYG, and a "Klan of Redskins" for the Washington Indigenous Peoples. The League is considering a "Champion of Cowboys" for Dallas but has yet to finalize the details.
Phil Costa, while rehabbing his lower back with trainers, has been seen walking past fans at the fence along the practice area saying: "Yeah, how ya like me now? Huh? How ya like me now? Yeah! Anybody see Arkin snap just now? Anybody? Huh? Yeah! How ya like me now?
Daniel Loper, in order to supplement his income while being cut and re-signed every 24 hours, has been making a series of porn videos. With his red beard and hair and "Viking" look he has starred in several niche-market films including "Getting Thor’s Hammer," "Viking Vixens Alone at Sea," "Norsemen Gone Wild," and "Thor and Loki: A Love Story."
Tarheel Paul, upon seeing all of these films repeatedly, reports that Loper’s carpet match his drapes.
Stephen Jones, perhaps taking after his father, got rip-roaring drunk at a karaoke bar Friday night in Oxnard and was booed off the stage when he changed the lyrics to Loretta Lynn’s most famous song and began singing "I Was Born a Glory-Hole Miner’s Daughter." He was escorted out shortly thereafter without incident.
Tom Ryle ditched his car after an unfortunate accident with a "coyote" and a Yucca tree. Ryle dragged the "coyote" (wearing a collar named "Fluffy Muffy" and that looked suspiciously like a French Poodle) into the desert where he promptly roasted it (fur and all) and consumed the poor beast in ravenous depraved hunger, leaving only the front and back feet of the animal and its pink-painted nails.
Tom Ryle then began walking through the desert on his way to camp at Oxnard in the blistering sun and was grateful to have his giant novelty Mexican sombrero (that says "I punched a donkey in Tijuana" across the front). While on his misbegotten trek Tom came upon a cluster of Peyote buttons and, mistaking them for mushrooms, proceeded to eat 24 of them. He then tore off all his remaining clothes (except for the sombrero) and continued stumbling south, towards camp. He was last seen mumbling: "Cheerleaders…commando…Cheerleaders…commando." Please pray for him. I can see very little chance of him somehow surviving in the California desert given his current state.
My sources, up to this point, refuse to give me any information about Archie Barberio and Eli Manning (excuse me, "Elisha" Manning). However, I can confidently say that Tardmellus Bennett will be granting me some privileged info in the very near future, perhaps even this evening about the events of the last few days. Details as they emerge.
Jamaal Jackson wasn’t signed by the team after he showed up for his physical in "Hello Kitty" underwear.
Tyrone Crawford is eating raw meat in preparation for the upcoming season. However, he still continues to say "It puts the lotion in the basket. It puts the lotion in the basket" as he is lining up against his opponent. Rob Ryan told reporters: "I think it’s a Canadian thing."
Somebody named Nagy, who hurt something, has apparently been waived.
Dez Bryant has now stopped asking Chad Ochocinco/Johnson for family relationship advice.
Jerry Jones’ pet monkey "Fred" is missing, along with the team bus.
Ron Leary is still angry.