NEWS FROM CAMP #6
Mike Woicik’s failure to properly condition Jason Witten’s spleen resulted in an injury in the preseason game against the Raiders. From now on the Tight Ends are going to do specialized spleen exercises.
The new spleen-specific exercises from Coach Woicik include bending over like you need to poop but holding it in, only urinating while sitting down, avoiding shellfish, and never masturbating after 8 pm.
Everyone in Lumpy’s cell phone contacts is either listed as "Pizza" or "Not Pizza."
Seventeen women were spontaneously impregnated in the stands after Tony Romo was sacked on Monday night.
C.J. Wilson likes to write bitchy online Yelp reviews about French restaurants.
Marcus Spears has an irrational fear of universal remotes and goldfish.
Bill Nagy was last seen slouching towards Babylon.
The tentative title of his book is Vick: Not as Bad as Hitler.
Jerry Jones made a rule that scissors are not allowed near the vicinity of the Cowboys Glory Hole (perhaps harkening back to the Everett McIver/Michael Irvin incident from several years ago).
Danny Coale puts mayonnaise on chicken wings.
Morris Claiborne was the winner of both the "Duck, Duck, Goose" contest and the "Simon Says" contest during the team "bonding time" after dinner at camp last night.
Eli Manning (excuse me, "Elisha" Manning) has left Giants camp to stay by Archie Barberio’s bedside as Archie recovers from the savage beating he took at the hands of Osi Umenyiora. Osi is stalking the hospital in a desperate attempt to win back Manning’s affections but security is keeping him away from the premises. I don’t see how this situation can end well for either the team or the individuals involved.
Tyrone Crawford only has one song on his IPod.
Tarheel Paul, after the team failed to draft David DeCastro, has begun stalking Daniel Loper and expressing his undying love for the redhaired lineman. It appears he is severely on the rebound. The team reports that Tarheel Paul will not stop sending poorly written love poems to Loper at their training camp headquarters. When it was revealed that Paul had begun faxing nude photos of himself to Loper, the team’s Head of Security obtained a restraining order against Tarheel Paul and he is not allowed within 200 yards of the team, its facilities, or Daniel Loper.
Rob Ryan accidentally strangled a Peruvian prostitute to death Tuesday night while celebrating the defensive shutout his unit put up against the Raiders. Ryan is now painstakingly consuming the body in his room at camp in order to hide the evidence.
Although the team bus has been recovered (crashed in a ditch 12 miles south of Bakersfield), Jerry Jones’ pet monkey "Fred" is still missing. Fred was last seen wearing a replica Cowboys Cheerleader costume that Spaulding dressed him in shortly before he escaped with the team bus. Fred’s whereabouts remain unknown.
While Rob Ryan once shot a man in Reno just to watch him die, Jason Garrett once tipped a Waffle House waitress less than 15% because of bad service.
David Arkin was fined by the team when it was discovered he had 17 boxes of Totino’s Pizza Rolls and a contraband microwave in his room at camp. He also wears a glove full of Vaseline to keep his hand soft.
Tom Ryle is naked (except for a giant Mexican sombrero that says "I punched a donkey in Tijuana"), high as Moses on the 24 peyote buttons he mistook for wild mushrooms, and is wandering the desert in a shaman-like vision-quest haze. He is suffering from heatstroke, hallucinations, and severe sunburn in his depraved mission to reach training camp. He was last spotted staring into the mid-day Sun and mumbling incoherently about cheerleaders and someone named Shay. I don’t see how he can survive in this state and fear he will never reach his destination or recover from his predicament. Please pray for him.
Ron Leary is still angry.