FanPost

Fore!

Jerry Jones and his wife Gene stood at the tee on the first hole of their country club's golf course. Waiting. And waiting. Tony and Candice Romo stood off to one side, cuddling.

"How long are we going to have wait, Gene?" Jerry asked, exasperatedly.

"Come on, Jerry. Give the kids a break. Can't you see they're in love?"

"I'm not a cold-hearted old fart, Honey. But it doesn't mean I want to see them concieve right here."

Gene sighed. "Now, Jerry. You remember how we were at their age. We couldn't keep our hands off eachother, either."

"I know, Gene. But at least we were discreet."

"Discreet? Really?" Gene laughed. "Like that Easter dinner at my parents' house? Is that the kind of discreet you're talking about?"

Jerry winced. "I thought we agreed not to mention that again? That day still gives me night terrors."

"My grandmother catching us in the bathroom forty years ago gives you night terrors?"

"No," Jerry explained, "your grandmother taking out her teeth and asking to join us gives me night terrors. She looked like a horny, wrinkled old carp."

Gene shook her head. "You're impossible," she resigned.

"The worst part is," Jerry continued, "to this day, I still get the dry heaves when I see fresh fish."

They stood in silence for a few more minutes while Tony and Candice continued their cuddle session. Jerry, thinking about a paunchy, eighty-five year old woman, smacking her gums and making kissy sounds. Gene, thinking about that wierd flap of skin hanging from her husband's right butt cheek. Both surpressed a wave of nausia.

Finally, Jerry had enough. "Tony, could we? I came here to golf, not watch a preview of Cinamax's Saturday night line-up."

"Be right there, Jer," Tony Romo called over his shoulder.

"Make it quick," he replied. "I'm scheduled for a colonoscopy tomorrow, and all this waiting is making me clench. Another five minutes and the doctor'll need the jaws of life to pry me open."

Tony and Candice walked over, hand-in-hand. After exchanging pleasantries, the ladies whacked their first shots onto the fairway. Not bad. Not bad at all. Tony gave Jerry the greenlight to shoot first, then stepped back with Candice.

"This ought to be good," he whispered to his wife. "The last time we played he shot an 84."

"That's pretty good," she responded. "What's the problem?"

"That was on the first hole," Tony chuckled. "And he cheated.....Twice."

"Oh."

Jerry Jones took a few practice swings. He settled into his stance. Addressed the ball and...WHAP!

"Bat-crap! Slice!" he swore. "Anybody see where it went?"

Gene shaded her eyes from the sun. "Looks like it went towards that house over there," she answered, pointing.

SMASH! "More specifically, the window of that house over there," Candice added.

"Hide!" Jerry bellowed and dove into a clump of bushes.

"What are you doing, Jerry?" Gene asked amid laughter from Tony and Candice.

Jerry's head popped up, covered with leaves. "Just looking for my keys, Honey. I think I lost 'em in here earlier."

His wife stomped her foot angrily. "Jerry Jones, get out of those bushes this instant!" Jerry rose and brushed himself off. "We're going to be adults and visit those nice people over there. You will apologize for breaking their window and pay to have it replaced. Understand?" Gene scolded.

"Yes, dear."

Tony, still chuckling, put his arm around his boss's shoulders. "Don't worry, Jer, it's just a window. How bad could it be?"

"I guess," Mr. Jones sighed. "Can we stop at the club house first and get a drink? I think I swallowed a june bug."

The foursome stood at the front of the house after ringing the doorbell. Tony Romo rang it again after a few minutes, then knocked. Still no one came. Jerry suggested they leave and mail them a check, but Tony decided to try the knob first. It was open. The quarterback poked his head in and called out.

"Yeah!" came the response from inside the house. "C'mon in, guys."

The Joneses and the Romos followed the voice until they came to the room with the broken window. Sitting on the couch was a chubby, hairy little man---naked.

"Oh, my." Gene averted her eyes. Candice shook her head and laughed. Jerry and Tony exchanged smirks.

"Catch you at a bad time, Mr. Devito?" Jerry quipped.

"Funny," the little guy rolled his eyes. "You get comedy lessons and golf lessons from the same guy, Jones?"

"So you know who I am, then?"

"Jerry Jones. Tony Romo. And their extremely beautiful wives, Gene and Candice." He tipped an imaginary hat towards the ladies. Gene blushed. Candice winked. "I'm Felix, by the way. Felix the Genie."

"Excuse me?"

"Felix the Genie," he repeated. "You see, Jones, your pathetic golf swing didn't just bust a window, it also broke that bottle lying in pieces on the floor. Just so happens I've been---for a lack of a better term---'bottled' up in there for over 3000 years. Surprise!"

"Well," Tony began, "that would sure explain the smell."

"Just my luck," Jerry complained. "Instead of Barbara Eden, I get a furry, tubby little munchkin. With an obvious aversion to water."

"That's not all you get, chuckles. I'm a Genie, remember? And what happens when you free a Genie from his bottle?"

"Three wishes!" Jerry clapped his hands excitedly.

"Oh, ho ho. Look who knows so much," Felix mocked. "The number of wishes is totally up to the discretion of the Genie. And you, Mr. Jones, are not getting three. I think two has a better ring to it."

"You can't do that," whined Jerry.

"Would you rather live out the rest of your days as a mole on Montre Holland's butt?"

"Two's good," Jerry agreed. "I...I...can live with two."

"I hope you can live with one," Felix added. "Tony and Candice are getting the other wish."

"That's not fair!"

Felix raised his hand menacingly. "Lumpy's butt it is, then."

"No,no...I take it back!"

"Figured you might."

Jerry Jones rubbed his hands together enthusiastically. "Well, Gene, what should we wish for? Remember, Honey, anything we want."

Gene shook her head. "I don't know, pookie. There's really nothing I want. We have everything we need...And then some. Whatever you decide is fine. Besides, I have a feeling you've already got something in mind."

The billionaire grinned. "You know me too well. I wish," Jerry said, "the Dallas Cowboys will win the next ten Super Bowls."

Felix shrugged. "And what about you two?" he nodded towards the Romos. "Tony, what do you and the lovely Candice desire?"

Candice put her hand on her husband's arm. "There's only one thing I really want, Tony. That's for Hawkins to live a long, happy, healthy life."

"You read my mind, Sweetie," Tony smiled. "That's what we wish for, Felix."

"Excellent," Felix seemed pleased. "Now for my wish."

"What do you mean your wish?" Jerry questioned.

"Didn't I tell you? Your requests being granted are conditional on you allowing me the third wish."

"I knew there were three wishes," Jerry said. "There's always three."

"Who cares what he wants, Jer." Tony interjected. "We still come out ahead."

"I'm glad you have an open mind, Romo," Felix approved. "Because, as you know, I've been cooped up in that bottle for a long time. Alone. By myself. With no one to...Well, let's just say keep me company."

"Are you saying what I think you're saying?" Jerry asked.

"What do you say, Jones? Do we have a deal?"

Jerry thought for a minute then said, "What the Hell. For ten Super Bowls in a row, I'd do Gene's grandmother. And she's been dead for thirty years." He started unbuckling his pants.

"Not you, you simpleton!" Felix blurted.

"Oh," Jones exclaimed. "My mistake. Even better. Alright, Tony, you're up."

"Now wait a minute..." Romo threw up his hands in defense.

"Don't worry," Jerry comforted, "Witten doesn't have to know."

"Uh, Sweetie," Candice interupted, "what does he mean 'Witten doesn't have to know'? Are you and Jason at it again?"

"For crying out loud people!" Felix erupted. "I was talking about the women! Gene and Candice and me. Together. Alone. For one hour. Allow me that request and your wishes will be granted."

"You want our wives?" Tony was shocked.

"I'm in," Candice held up her hand, glaring at her husband.

"You can't be serious?"

"If it means Hawkins' happiness, you betcha. And while I'm in there bouncing around with that hairy little toad, you can be deciding how to break things off with your boy toy." Tony started to say something. "Zip it," she cut him off. "Your opinion no longer counts in this matter."

"Well," Felix smiled, "that's one."

Gene patted Jerry's hand. "See you in an hour, Dear."

"You don't have to do this," he said.

"Oh, Jerry," she kissed him on the cheek. "I'm a good sport. I don't mind taking one---or two---for the team. Besides, Felix is kind of cute...In a filthy troll sort of way."

"Gentlemen," Felix rose from the couch. "If you would wait somewhere else, please. I prefer a little privacy with these little lovelies."

Romo and Jones left the home and walked towards the club house. "You had to open your mouth about Jason, didn't you? Now Candice is in there getting freaky with a big gerbil."

"Speaking of gerbils," Jerry chuckled. "I guess there'll be no more games of hide the rodent with Witten, huh?"

"I hate you."

"Get in line."

Sixty minutes later, three disheveled, but surprisingly satisfied looking figures emerged from the bedroom. "Ladies," Felix purred, "you did not disappoint. Especially you, Gene. Was definitely an eye-opener."

"Yeah, Gene," Candice agreed. "Kudos on the hand-stand. Didn't see that coming."

"I've got a few tricks up my sleeve," she giggled.

"Not to change the subject," Felix began, "but I have a question. Aren't your husbands a little old to believe in all that 'Genie' nonsense?"

Candice laughed. "What they don't know won't hurt them. Besides, payback's hell."

"Same time next week?" Gene asked.

Felix and Candice answered together. "Oh, yeah!"

Another user-created commentary provided by a BTB reader.

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