Greetings and salutations my brethren and sistren of BTB. I have been scouring my sources for information and present to you the latest update of NEWS FROM CAMP for your reading enjoyment! As always, my sources are strictly confidential and must remain anonymous. However, if you enjoy this series please throw me a comment (or even a "REC" if you feel so inclined).
It has been asked if I will continue this series after Training Camp is over and perhaps provide info on the team and our upcoming opponent in a weekly post. I am certainly open to this idea, but would like to hear what you guys think. Is this something you would like me to continue?
Anyway, without further adieu...
NEWS FROM CAMP #7
In honor of Joseph Peralta Pompa, Rob Ryan told Tom Coughlin he could "Stick a taco in it" during the season opener.
Jason Garrett is secretly a GWAR fan and has been to 43 concerts.
Dez Bryant had his iPad playbook taken away and was given a paper-copy of the playbook after it was discovered that he had been downloading Justin Bieber songs and the "Two Girls, One Cup" video.
Tarheel Paul was escorted by police away from Tuesday’s practice with the Chargers after he was spotted wearing a "Little Bo Peep" costume and serenading Daniel Loper by singing "I’m Just a Girl Who Can’t Say No" from the musical Oklahoma. His restraining order is being processed.
Morris Claiborne will drink a bottle of Hennessey you have on your shelf if you just let him introduce himself.
Assistant D-Line coach Leon Lett has been spending extra time tutoring Canadian football phenom Tyrone Crawford on the finer points of being a lineman. Among his lessons: "Don’t ever touch the ball after a blocked field goal, don’t ever celebrate before you reach the end zone, and don’t ever spend more than 20% of your salary on hookers and blow."
Doug Free has been saving all of his bowel movements for the last two months in mason jars in preparation for a "Performance Art" project he is planning for the Christmas holidays at the Dallas Museum of Modern Art.
The highlight of Ed Wesley’s stint at training camp is that he made enough money to be able to afford name-brand ketchup for the next four months.
Taking a cue from Snoop Dogg, Bill Callahan has converted to Rastafarianism and has been seen smoking blunts during practice and asking his O-Line players to: "Look at that beautiful sky. Why all the hate, mon? Why all the anger? Let’s all be brothers with everyone." His position as a coach can now be described as tenuous at best.
Lumpy has been making Nacho Cheese Doritos and raw hot dog smoothies in his blender to try and eat healthier and be ready to play when David Arkin finally gets injured from overuse at camp and he gets signed back to the team.
According to Google, the phrase "Jason Witten’s spleen" was the most searched phrase in the Dallas/Ft Worth area this week, narrowly beating out both "donkey porn" and "Aggie jokes."
Speaking of donkeys and Aggie jokes, Tom Ryle (and his giant novelty Mexican sombrero) is roasted out of his mind on 24 peyote buttons he mistook for wild mushrooms and has been wandering the desert in circles in a hallucinogenic haze that would cripple any other man except for Keith Richards or Timothy Leary. He has been chewing on cactus to keep from dehydration and eating scorpions. However, that’s not the worst of his (mis)adventures in this update.
Apparently Jerry Jones’ pet monkey "Fred" (who you remember stole the team bus and crashed in a ditch shortly after being dressed in a replica Cowboys Cheerleader costume by Spaulding) wandered into the desert after crawling out of the wreckage and crested a sand dune only to be spotted by Tom Ryle in the fading sunset silhouetting Fred’s outline. In his drug-addled state, Tom began mumbling "Cheerleader… Cheerleader… Commando… Cheerleader" and rushed towards Fred in a fevered state of depravity. Tom spent the rest of the evening assaulting the poor beast in ways that cannot be described in this post.
Upon the morning sunrise, Tom fashioned a crude loin-cloth out of Fred’s star-spangled top and the two of them began walking across the desert sands, hand-in-hand, towards Oxnard. In his debauched state Tom has no idea that the team has left California (including the Cheerleaders other than "Fred") and I fear both for his safety and what his reaction will be when he realizes his error. God help us all. Please pray for him.
Archie Barberio and Eli Manning (excuse me, "Elisha" Manning) were married in a private ceremony in the hospital chapel where Archie is recovering from the savage beating he took at the hands of Osi Umenyiora. It is unknown if Arch was cognizant enough to consent to the marriage as he has been heavily medicated.
However, it was reported that Peyton Manning looked stunning as a bridesmaid in pink and white chiffon.
Ron Leary is still angry.