FanPost

NEWS FROM CAMP #3

As training camp rolls forward and teams across the league are getting ready for the season I bring you my third installment of my "NEWS FROM CAMP" series. As always, my sources around the league and our team are confidential and must remain anonymous. However, as the Front Page writers are giving us great observations about camp, I will continue to bring you the "real" stories and info that you won't see from the mainstream media. As always, comments and rec's are most appreciated. It takes a lot of effort to gather these nuggets of info, and I can assure you that no other news source or blog anywhere in the world has the following info.

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NEWS FROM CAMP #3

Tony Romo is continuing to wear Fedora hats to better assert his role as a team leader.

Jerry Jones got raging drunk last night and let his pet monkey "Fred" drive the team bus around the parking lot causing damage to both the team bus and Rob Ryan’s 1995 Econoline conversion van.

Rob Ryan was sleeping in the van at the time and somehow managed to escape injury, commandeer the team bus, and apply the emergency brake before Jerry and Fred crashed into the team hotel (possibly killing the entire 2011 draft class who were all staying on the first floor).

Jerry’s keys to the team bus were taken away, but it is unknown if his pet monkey Fred knows how to hotwire a vehicle.

Archie Barberio couldn’t make it to Oxnard this year for Cowboys Camp but he did manage to make the short drive up to Albany to watch the Giants camp today and scope out the enemy for an upcoming BTB article. Archie reports that Tardmellus Bennett is getting reps at guard with the second team.

Tyrone Crawford has been practicing well. However, the opposing offensive linemen are beginning to get concerned. Apparently, when Crawford lines up, he keeps mumbling: "It puts the lotion in the basket. It puts the lotion in the basket. It puts the lotion in the basket." David Arkin has now refused to practice against him until he stops.

Andre Holmes still hasn’t had his picture taken.

Lumpy had a tryout scheduled today but was inexplicably detained when a "Hostess" truck carrying Twinkies, Ding Dongs, and Ho-Ho’s crashed in front of him on his way down Interstate I-5. Fortunately, he was able to eat a way through and clear two lanes of traffic. Thankfully, Lumpy was only delayed 15 minutes.

Morris Claiborne is taking his role as a lockdown cornerback so seriously that he followed Dez Bryant into the Port-o-Potty and refused to leave.

Tom Ryle is still on the run from the police and details about his whereabouts remain sketchy. All that is known at this moment is that he hasn’t slept for three days, ditched his Pinto for a 1974 Chevy Vega station wagon, and has been crisscrossing back roads in between Nevada and California in an attempt to avoid roadblocks and arrest.

The only verified and recent confirmation regarding Tom Ryle (via security tape) is that Tom rushed into a Goodwill store in Victorville, California, hurriedly grabbed a black lace teddy, a pair of green plaid golf pants, a novelty Mexican "Sombrero" hat, and threw his last 20 dollars at the bewildered cashier on his way out the door. Details as they emerge.

Although Eli Manning’s (excuse me, "Elisha" Manning’s) sex change operation was successful, the hormone therapy is still an issue. Today, Manning made Osi Umenyiora switch lockers to one across the room after Osi said Manning’s practice pants made Manning’s butt look big (as reported in the previous "NEWS FROM CAMP" series).

Archie Barberio, taking a cue from TMZ, has promised to update me on the news of a possible Manning/Umenyiora split.

Stephen McGee has taken to trying to hide Rudy Carpenter’s helmet before practice in an attempt to save his roster spot.

Jason Garrett likes Pina Coladas and getting lost in the rain.

Archie Barberio has found himself strangely attracted to Eli Manning (excuse me, "Elisha" Manning). My Grandma always told me that "opposites attract" but this is just beyond comprehensible. Archie was seen consoling Elisha about Osi after practice according to multiple sources and saying her butt doesn’t look big at all. Details as they emerge.

Ron Leary is still angry.

Another user-created commentary provided by a BTB reader.

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