Impervious All-time Quarterback Rankings

A while back I got into an argument with a Steelers fan who told me that “I'm a stat guy and Ben Roethlisberger is definitely better than Brees and Rodgers.” I proceeded to tell Mr. Stat Guy that “Sorry man, but you can’t claim to be a stat guy and then claim that Ben is better than those guys. His stats aren’t nearly as good and he has even had terrible stats in big games like his 22.1 qbr in his first Superbowl and his 35.5 qbr in the AFC Championship against the Jets. Just for example.“

His response was “Look dude, I do stat analysis for a living. You want to talk about stats? Ben has the most important stat, 2 rings. Back up buddy, you’re not ready for this.“ Shocked by his well-researched answer from his clearly deep well of football knowledge, I managed to compose myself to respond “Well dang, ‘Ben has 2 rings, Rodgers and Brees only have 1 ring. 2 is more than 1! I am a statistical genius!!’ I stand no chance!

Not surprisingly, he decided he had nothing to say in response. But the intelligent and well thought out argument he presented did get me thinking: How would I rank the best quarterbacks of all time if I were to only use the minimal thought process that it takes to count rings?

First off, only the amount of rings are taken into account, with extra appearances in the big game used to break ties. NFL championships don’t count, because smart football fans know that Superbowls are all that has ever mattered. The other tiebreaker will most likely be my personal bias or random reasoning, because I find that this is the way that most fans who subscribe to the “Ring is King” ranking system, break their ties.

1. Joe Montana- He has 4 rings so he is the absolute best right? That, and because when he wears Sketchers he can still chuck it 80 yards at age 56.

2. Terry Bradshaw- Bradshaw, like Montana, has 4 Superbowl rings to his name. So why is he ranked below Montana? No, not because of the fact he only has 2 more career touchdowns than interceptions. We aren’t counting meaningless facts here remember? Bradshaw is ranked below Cool Joe because well, I just don’t like the Steelers. Plus, he tries to get me to buy Jenny Craig or whatever weight loss thing he reps.

3. Tom Brady- 3 rings plus 2 more appearances gives him the number 3 spot. Plus he kept the Eagles ring-less and has one smokin wife.

4. Troy Aikman- 3 rings. Also, Cowboys fan doing the rankings here and Troy’s my boy!

5. John Elway- 2 rings plus 3 more appearances. Also, he gave me a high five once.

6. Roger Staubach- 2 rings and 2 more appearances. The first Avenger!

7. Bob Greise- 2 rings and a 3rd appearance. The undefeated season gives him the edge over Big Ben. Along with the fact that he took a ring from the Redskins.

8. Ben Roethlisberger- 2 rings and a 3rd appearance. If this list was “Quarterbacks you shouldn’t let hold your girlfriend’s hair while she’s uploading intoxicants into the porcelain throne and you’re too busy inhaling your third 4am Cookout tray to do the job yourself.” then Ben is at the top. But my dislike for the Steelers keeps him in 8th on the all-time QB’s with rings list.

9. Bart Starr- 2 rings. If NFL championships, statistics and general greatness were taken into account on this list, Starr would be much higher. But remember, Superbowls are all that matter.

10. Jim Plunkett- 2 rings. Why is he above Eli Manning? Uh…Cowboys fan doing this list! Get over it!

11. Eli Manning- ………………………………..................................Oh! Sorry. I passed out from laughing so hard at Eli Manning almost cracking a top ten all-time list. His career qbr might only be 5.4 higher than the world-beater known as Kevin Kolb, but in ring world, Eli is right up here with his 2 rings.

Alright, now we are getting down to all the lucky guys who happened to grab 1 ring. Because we all know that anybody can win 1 right?

12. Kurt Warner- 1 ring and 2 other appearances. Plus, come on, he got the freakin Cardinals to a Superbowl!

13. Peyton Manning- 1 ring plus a second appearance. His awesome SNL skit gives him the edge here.

14. Brett Favre- 1 ring and another appearance. A billion yards and touchdowns mean nothing on this list. His Wrangler commercials aren’t too bad though. But I don’t think a pickup football game of Average Joe’s against Brett Favre is really all that fair.

15. Len Dawson- 1 ring, 1 more appearance and….who cares, he has a ring and he didn’t play for the skins.

16. Joe Theisman- 1 ring, 1 other appearance. Brett would of duct taped his leg back on and kept playing. Also, boo Redskins.

17. Trent Dilfer- 1 ring. Say what you want about his ineptitude at actually playing the position, but the man has a ring on his finger. Plus, he’s an analyst who is actually objective about Romo and the ‘Boys, so that makes me like him.

18. Aaron Rodgers- 1 ring. Espn and Packers fans spent all of last year telling me that Rodgers is already arguably the greatest QB of all time. And while his career could end that way, until he gets another ring or appearance, he ain’t getting higher than 18th on this list.

19. Joe Namath- 1 ring. The man made wearing fur coats almost cool for a minute, kind of. Well ok maybe no one can do that, but guaranteeing an upset in the Superbowl and going out there and pulling it off is pretty cool as well.

20. Drew Brees- 1 ring and a commercial where he hit’s a diaper from like 25 yards away keeps Breesus in the top 20 of the list.

21. Johnny Unitas- 1 ring. Cool name.

22. Ken Stabler- 1 ring. Almost as cool of a name.

23. Steve Young- 1 ring. The dude has a ring because we had Barry Switzer.

24. Brad Johnson- 1 ring. John Gruden knowing the Raiders playbook inside-out (might want to change it up a bit next time Bill) helped get the ring. But Brad was actually a pretty dang good QB in his day.

25. Doug Williams- 1 ring. Seems like a good guy I guess, but he was also a Redskin.

26. Jeff Hostetler- 1 ring (another as a backup, but no). Who?? Boo Giants. Nice mustache when he was younger though.

27. Mark Rypien- 1 ring. Huh?? Boo Redskins. But he was on 8 different NFL rosters over the years, so he must of been a popular guy I guess? Maybe??

28. Phil Simms- 1 ring. Last of the QB’s who have won Superbowls. Why? He was a Giant and is the only announcer to actually put me to sleep while watching football. In his defense, I was super fat off of turkey and stuffing. Damn Tryptophan!

Then there are plenty of bums that have only lost in the Superbowl. Clearly they are no good at all because if they were, they could have dragged the limp bodies of the 52 gimps they call teammates over the other team’s 53 and grabbed that Lombardi. Since we all know that football is the ultimate individual sport and any QB without a ring can never be compared to one who has one.

Some of the highlights of these QB’s are: Jim Kelly with 4 appearances, Fran Tarkenton with 3 and Craig Morton with 2. But in my humble opinion, the biggest pretender of them all is this slouch named Dan Marino and his 1 appearance. Who cares if every single time over the past few years that you’ve seen a QB break a record, the name Dan Marino pops up as the previous holder? Who cares if he was involved in the awesomeness known as Ace Ventura: Pet Detective? The man does not have a ring and therefore has no place in any conversation involving greatness the likes of Trent Dilfer! Trent’s jockstrap got a better look at the Lombardi than Marino ever did.

There you have it. A foolproof method of ranking the only quarterbacks that have ever lived that are worth ranking. No spot on the list can be argued due to its undeniable scientific, research-based reasoning.

Note: Huh, life seems so much simpler when you don’t have to worry about facts, statistics, and research and football knowledge to make your points. Unfortunately it makes Mr. Stat Guy look correct, so I guess I’ll have to keep doing things the hard way as a fan. And maybe people should consider a little more than blingage when they judge any athlete's greatness, especially in team sports.

Another user-created commentary provided by a BTB reader.

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