NEWS FROM CAMP #4
Lumpy stated that he managed to lose 85 pounds in the offseason by intentionally eating tapeworm-infested tacos from a south Dallas food truck.
Jason Garrett likes Pina Coladas and makin’ love at midnight.
Dan Bailey (taking a cue from Chad "Ochocinco") has officially changed his name to Rico Suave.
Archie Barberio was savagely beaten by Osi Umenyiora after practice yesterday at Giants camp when Osi spotted Archie talking to Eli Manning (excuse me "Elisha" Manning). Manning kept shouting "Osi we’re just friends! We’re just friends! Stop!" However, Umenyiora continued his assault until he was finally pulled away by Justin Tuck and Tardmellus Bennett.
Archie remains in the Albany City Hospital in serious condition and has yet to regain consciousness. It is reported that Manning has not left his bedside. Details as they emerge.
John Hanna has just been granted a patent for "Invisible Stickum."
Sean Lee appreciates a generous posterior and is incapable of falsification.
DeMarcus Ware’s agent reported that Ware has been offered a lucrative opportunity from IHOP to shoot a commercial after Ware just had his very first pancake.
Tyron Smith, meanwhile, has been offered his own cooking show on the Food Network entitled "Breakfast with Tyron." Each episode will feature a different culinary variation of the traditional pancake.
Rob Ryan was spotted sleeping under the south goalpost in a sleeping bag while he is waiting for the auto shop to finish repairs on his 1995 Econoline van after his unfortunate wreck in the parking lot when Jerry let his pet monkey "Fred" drive the team bus.
Tom Ryle is in trouble. In his desperate attempt to reach training camp without being apprehended, he obtained a "disguise" from a Goodwill store in Victorville, California (captured on surveillance camera) and is now wearing green plaid golf pants, a black lace teddy top, and a giant Mexican novelty Sombrero hat (that says "I punched a donkey in Tijuana" across the brim).
Tom also super-glued the tail of a roadkill squirrel he found on the side of the highway to his upper lip in order to complete his disguise.
Tom Ryle exchanged his 1974 Vega station wagon for a 1987 Yugo with bald tires and a questionable transmission somewhere between Sucker Flat, California and Flat Nose, Nevada. He ran out of money and stopped at three separate bloodbanks to donate blood for 15 dollars a pop along the way to Oxnard. He is now punch drunk, woozy, white as a ghost, and swerving dangerously all over the road as he continues on his depraved mission. It is unknown if he is even coherent enough at this point to realistically find the Cowboys training camp site, as all communications received from Tom are cryptic and indecipherable. Please pray for him. Details as they emerge.
BREAKING NEWS: Archie Barberio has just now regained consciousness at the hospital! As soon as he opened his eyes Eli Manning (excuse me "Elisha" Manning) began singing "You Are So Beautiful" by Joe Cocker to Archie. Details as they emerge.
Cole Beasley is back in camp.
Ron Leary is still angry.