Sunday, January 13, 2008, NFC divisional round.
The Dallas Tony Romos had capped a 90 yard, 20 play drive when #24 Romo dove in for a 1 yard touchdown to take the lead 14-7 over the New York Eli Mannings with 53 seconds left in the first half. Then, Eli Manning went to work, making Romo look silly on defense for quick, big gains. Romo tried to incapacitate Eli by giving his facemask a hard pull, but this only gave Eli 15 free yards. #10 Eli hit #81 Eli for the game tying score with 7 seconds left in the half.
Romo had failed on defense miserably and was forced to kick a field goal to start the half. #14 Romo dropped what was likely a touchdown pass from himself. Eli punched in a 1 yard td for the 21-17 lead. Romo had one more chance after punting on his first comeback attempt. #14 Romo hesitated and just missed a game-winning catch. On 4th down, Romo looked right to see himself covered by Eli, he looked left to see that Eli had him covered, everywhere on the field Romo saw himself covered by Eli. So Romo did the only thing he could do, pray and try to drill it in there, and he was picked off by Eli Manning to seal the game.
The next week, Eli Manning picked off a Brett Favre pass in OT and kicked the game winning 47 yard field goal in the snow.
In the days leading up to Superbowl 42, Tom Brady was addressed at a press conference. Reporter: “Yeah Tom, Eli Manning says that you are only going to score 17 points against him.” Brady: “We’re only gonna score 17?! Haha. Is Eli playing defense??” Reporter: “Well…yes Mr. Brady, he is. Every position.” Brady (now trembling): “Even nickel-back?!” Reporter: “Yes Tom.” Brady (now pouring sweat): “Even towel boy?!” Reporter: “Even towelboy.” Brady (now crying): “Even…” Reporter cuts him off: “Tom…Eli, he…he does everything, I’m sorry.” Brady (on phone with his therapist) “Martha! He’s playing defense! He’s coaching! He’s getting himself water! We can’t score 17! We will be lucky to score 14! Squishy face is gonna beat me!!! FML!”
Tom Brady was already a great quarterback, but he would prove to be a prophet when Superbowl 42 was all over. Hitting Brady #81 for a touchdown to take the lead at 14-10, he ran over to himself to say “Hell yeah Brady #81! Btw I like your dreads!” #81 Brady: “Thanks Brady #12! I like your wife!” After a moment of awkward silence between the two, the joy of possibly beating the forever downtrodden-looking Eli, took over and they jumped up and down hugging eachother.
Only to suffer as Eli Manning eluded Brady multiple times on defense and chucked the ball up in the air down the middle of the field, and out jumped 3 Bradys and caught his own pass off of his helmet. Soon after, Eli beat Brady’s coverage and scored the game winning touchdown. Eli Manning had, all alone, held the most prolific offense of all time to 14 points.
Fast forward through a lame 2008 for everyone.
2010 divisional round, Tony Romo vs Brett Favre.
The game started off with punts for both teams. But at some point, Tony Romo made a terrible mistake. With Favre on offense, Romo looked intensely into his eyes and exclaimed “Holy sagging skin Brettman! You’re older than Jerry!” Now this pissed the Minnesota Bretts off something awful, and Brett spent the rest of the day beating poor Romo up and down the field mercilessly. Right tackle Tony Romo even managed to allow 3 sacks and 4 tackles for a loss all by himself. On defense, Romo let Favre score 34 points, including a spiteful final touchdown on 4th down. Romo…had failed again.
2010 was super lame for our hero as Eli Manning broke Romo’s collar bone in the sixth game of the season and he was done.
2011 saw Romo and Eli come on to the field with a division championship on the line in December. After hitting himself wearing #88 for a touchdown to take a 12 point lead over Eli, the crowd full of Tony Romos (The crowd is all Romo so we can blame him for not cheering himself on hard enough) went nuts with excitement! But then, Eli went to work again, shredding Romo for big gains despite Romo playing 10 yards off of Eli at corner.
Oh, #41 Romo had dropped a sure pick-six that Eli threw right to him earlier in the game and #28 Romo fumbled in his own territory right before halftime to give Eli a field goal. Can’t forget to blame Romo for all his mistakes now, can we? Romo surrendered a touchdown on defense and then on 3rd and 5, he lost his own pass in the lights and was forced to punt the football. Oh and Romo had a really bad punt in this game too.
Eli scored a touchdown and 2 point conversion for the 3 point lead. Romo quickly drove into field goal range and kicked what was thought to be a game-tying field goal. But that sneaky Coach Eli had called a time-out and the kick didn’t count. Now Eli adjusted his strategy and was able to block Romo’s field goal for the win.
In the divisional round of the playoffs, Eli threatened to destroy Aaron Rodgers with mind bullets if he did well. Fearing for his life, Rodgers dropped 8 passes and turned in his worst performance of the season. Only managing 20 points. Eli was back in the Superbowl 2 weeks later after he forced and recovered two Kyle Willams fumbles to win the NFC Championship. And guess who his opponent in the Superbowl would be…
Brady (in a strait jacket): “WHY?!?!?!?! How could Eli do this to me?! Martha! Martha Stewart help me! He’s back! It’s not a nightmare this time! Eli wants to hurt me again!”
And again, poor Tom gave up a safety to Eli, and Eli picked off a Brady pass. Then hit himself for a dagger down the sideline. Brady tried to rally but time was too little and pressure from Eli was too much. Eli had won his second Superbowl all by himself.
So, Romo can have all the stats and win in all of the individual passing categories that he can actually control, but until Tony can get better at all the things necessary to be a great Quarterback, such as tackling, sacking, blocking for himself, covering, catching, coaching, looking sad and lost, and taking lessons from Freddy Krueger on how to haunt the competition’s dreams. He simply will never be as great as Eli Manning.