Greetings and salutations my friends. As always, I have been shaking down my sources to provide you with the essential information about the upcoming game that the "mainstream" media either doesn't have access to, or is afraid to report.

This week the undefeated Cowboys take on the Seahawks, rookie QB and all. Mmmmm... I can smell that barbecue cookin' now. :-)

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Doug Flutie likes hanging out with Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson because Wilson makes him look like Dirk Nowitzki standing next to Muggsy Bogues.

Seahawks Right Tackle Breno Giacomini has plans to open an Italian restaurant with singing waiters somewhere in Oregon after the game against the Cowboys. He is expecting to get cut from the team after he gives up roughly a full season’s worth of sacks to "Almost" Anthony Spencer in one game.

Giacomini is said to have a surprisingly good Alto voice and a stockpile of his Grandmother’s recipes so I fully expect the restaurant to be very successful. (I say that because I have never once in my life ever seen an old-school Italian grandmother who didn’t know how to cook.)

DeMarcus Ware is on pace for 32 sacks after his game against the Giants and expects to be on pace for 178 sacks after the game against Russell Okung and the Seahawks.

Braylon Edwards has asked Brandon Carr to count to "One Mississippi, Two Mississippi" before covering him on pass routes in order to make it more fair.

Paul McQuistan (the uglier and less talented twin brother of Pat McQuistan) has actually begged his brother to show up for the game instead of making him face Jason Hatcher by himself. The two twins are considering switching out series at Left Guard to try and stay fresh against an onslaught of defensive pressure from Rob Ryan and the defensive line.

Bill Callahan has put a canine "shock collar" around the neck of center Ryan Cook in order to help facilitate snaps on time with Romo’s cadence and minimize false start penalties. Callahan will "zap" the collar on Cook when the ball should be snapped.

It is unclear what treats Cook will receive upon successfully snapping the ball when he returns to the sidelines after a series ending in a touchdown.

Seahawks coach Pete Carroll is happy to be coaching in the NFL where player salaries are cheaper than during his days at USC.

Tony Romo, as part of his attempt to show better leadership with the team, has begun giving bluegrass banjo lessons after every practice.

Rob Ryan was kicked out of the first banjo lesson after refusing to stop playing Metallica cover songs. However, it is reported that Dez Bryant is a natural prodigy and has already mastered a passable version of "Foggy Mountain Breakdown."

After witnessing the infamous glasses incident in the suite at the Meadowlands, I asked Pharmboy23, Jerry's personal Pharmacist, about "Jerry Wipes." Pharmboy reported that this is nothing new, and that Jerry has been using this term for years. But the "Jerry Wipes" he is familiar with come in a package labeled Preparation H.

Kyle Wilber will play his first game as a Cowboy this Sunday wearing the Sean Lee patented "Big-Ass Q-Tip" on his arm. We can only hope this is a sign of things to come for Wilber and he follows the same trajectory as Sean Lee.

Kyle Wilber has also asked that Jay Ratliff and Marcus Spears stop making "fisting" jokes about his game day "Big-Ass Q-Tip" in the locker room as he is just a rookie trying to help the team.

Tom Ryle and Jerry’s missing pet monkey "Fred" were spotted by multiple witnesses fleeing Oxnard after Tom discovered he had lost almost two weeks’ worth of memory on an accidental Peyote trip. One witness reported seeing Tom steal a girl’s bicycle, place "Fred" in the basket on the handlebars and ride away. By the time police arrived to question the witness both Tom and "Fred" were nowhere to be seen.

It does appear, however, that Tom Ryle managed to steal an old lady’s flowered nightgown from a clothesline as later reports surfaced of an elderly man in a purple and pink flowered nightgown, wearing a giant sombrero, riding a girl’s bike with a screeching monkey in the front basket of the bike (in a blue and white cheerleader outfit) racing past startled onlookers with a crazed look in his eye. I can only assume that to be Tom and "Fred" still on the run. Details as they emerge.