Calling All Cowboys

Reading about the Cowboys luncheon the other day and hearing about their speeches to eachother, I started wondering what I would say to the team if I got a chance to speak to them before the start of the season. So I decided to try my hand at motivational speaking. Hey, maybe some of the players are avid BTB readers and will share this with the team…haha. Anyway, here’s what I would like to tell our team as they gear up for the season opener.

Alright men, I wanted to talk to you about the nagging thorn in your sides over the past few years known as the New York Giants. Over the past 5 years they have wasted a 13-3 season in which you actually were legit Superbowl contenders, they put the nail in the coffin in 2010 when they broke your quarterback’s collar bone, and they effectively kept you out of the playoffs twice in the same season in 2011.

On top of that, they have won two recent Superbowls directly after stepping on your faces to get there, and they have never lost in your new house. They also own a 6-2 regular season record against you since 2008, they have made you listen to Brandon Jacobs’ mouth, and their prick of an owner was the driving force in getting a 10 million dollar BS cap penalty levied against you.

Now, I have to ask you, because I know how we, your fans, feel. But…DOESN’T ALL THAT PISS YOU OFF?!?!?! Don’t you want revenge as much as we do?! I sure hope so.

So I’m going to ask you, forget about the Superbowl, forget about playoffs, forget a winning record, forget about personal glory or your next contract, forget that you even have an existence outside of that 100yd battleground. You can worry about all that later. All you need to think about, all you need to even dream about, is Wednesday, September 5th, 2012 in New Jersey.

Think about the past 5 years of deuces that the Giants have been dropping on your heads. Think about it even more as you’re standing on the sidelines before the game watching them show off that shinny Lombardi trophy that they picked up while you were on your couches. Let it anger you worse than a two minute “football” conversation with an Eagles fan, or worse, listening to Heath Evans give his “expert” analysis. And then go out there and use it!

Defense, make Eli miserable all night. Hit him again and again, and once you think you’ve hit him enough, hit him one more time for us. I want the Giants’ receivers to feel like they’ve grown giant parasites because the coverage is so damn tight. I want their running backs to run into a brick wall all night long. Meet them head on, at or behind the line of scrimmage. I want our o-line hitting so hard and Murray running so strong that Giant defenders drop to the ground from sheer broken will, not because they are faking injuries to stop the no-huddle like they did against the Rams last year. Tony, carve them up and shred them to pieces like you do and Dez, no one in that secondary can contain you, so go prove it!

I don’t just want you to win, I want you to destroy them. I want astrophobia to be running so rampant throughout New York that John Mara spends his life savings building a retractable dome around the city, so that at night they can close it and not have to see and FEAR THE STAR(S)!

The only way I will accept defeat is if otherworldly intervention CLEARLY happens. I’m talking about when #10 turns to face the camera, he has been replaced by the devil himself who yells “Taste my giant fiery balls Scrimshaw!” and then proceeds to throw touchdowns to Hitler in a tank. Or maybe Bane shows up and blows a giant hole in the middle of the field, and Mara convinces his boy toy Goodell to just award the victory to the Giants since the game can’t be finished. It would make as much sense as that cap penalty right?

And I don’t want to hear any crying about injuries, none whatsoever. You get out on that field with duct tape on your bones and WD-40 on your joints if you have to. Really, if you need to take a page out of the 90’s playbook and have a coke party, and then go out there so blitzed that you can’t feel feelings anymore, that’s fine with me! Even if you can’t remember the game afterwards, we fans will remember.

We will remember when Eli was so terrified by the second quarter that he had his daddy Archie take his place on the field. We will remember Cruz begging Archie to please not throw the ball his way anymore because that Carr kept running him over. We will remember when JPP caught the first one-way flight to France after Tron turned him into a pancake, and he decided he would rather be a Crepe. We will remember how New York and New Jersey officially changed Wednesday to “WTF Was That Day”.

Make no mistake, you are going up against a quality opponent, I obviously shouldn’t have to tell you that. But that will only make it that much sweeter when you dish out this beat-down. Yeah, you’re going to be hurting, and that’s good. Because if you’re in pain, you’re still alive, if you’re still alive, you can still fight, and if you can still fight, then for the love of God you can still whoop some Giant ass!

I don’t want to hear about “Next game” or “Next month” or “Next season” anymore. I don’t want to hear how you will get it corrected for December when the games supposedly matter more, even though they count as 1 win or loss just like in September. I don’t care that this isn’t a playoff game. It is a game against a hated rival who is beginning their title defense in the same spot that they ended your season last year. Isn’t that enough?! They’ve had months of celebrating while you’ve had months of stewing over a missed opportunity.

We have some warriors on this team for sure, but it’s going to take more than a couple of heroes to get it done. Now is the time for ALL OF YOU to Cowboy up and become a complete team. An NFL career can end on any play, so why wait until tomorrow to administer a first-class beat-down that you can administer today? Play this game, and every game, like it’s your last game EVER! You want the world to stop questioning your leadership, commitment, heart and desire? Well this is the place to start shutting the haters up! Or at least piss them off more, which is also great!

Your enemies are going to be waiting for you across the field, probably planning Prince’s Ice-Bath Party for after they win this game. Are you going to let that party happen? Or are you going to send them ALL to the ice-baths after making them regret that they do still have the ability to feel feelings? Whatever you do, just get out there and win this damn game!!

And one more thing, GO COWBOYS!!!!

Also, DeMarcus…Eli called your mom fat.

Note: So there is the very clean and non-profanity laden version of what I would like to convey to our team. Any thoughts my fellow BTBers would like to send our Boys’ way before they embark on what 5Blings has coined as “The Season of Proof”?

Another user-created commentary provided by a BTB reader.

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