Greetings and salutations my friends. After a week of forced silence on this here blog I have once again brought you the "inside scoop" for the Boys game against the Bears on Monday Night Football. All information from my sources is confidential, however, I can assure you that this is the NEWS that the mainstream is either afraid to print or is completely ignorant about. A few recs for sources would be nice, but don't exert yourself.
Without further adieu, here is your weekly report:
NEWS FOR WEEK FOUR
Jay Cutler’s girlfriend slept with Matt Forte and this event has seriously upset the Bear quarterback. He was quoted in the press, when questioned about it, as saying: "Yes, my girlfriend slept with Matt. It’s true. And I’m very jealous of her."
Rob Ryan has said his defense is going to "Open Gangnam Style" this Monday night and he has been teaching his charges how to do the "Horse Dance" after a sack or interception.
Tyrone Crawford is said to be spectacular as a dancer after getting private lessons from Emmitt Smith.
However, Tyrone Crawford is said to be very concerned about Rob Ryan’s new haircut, especially after Ryan described it as being an "East Texas Lesbian Mullet" in an interview with Calvin Watkins.
Watkins then, of course, predicted the Cowboys to lose by 42 points in his next article (which may or may not be due to him hating the Cowboys and/or Ryan’s new "Lesbian Mullet").
Felix Jones, according to my sources, actually beat Lumpy in a chicken-wing eating contest at a Dallas area Hooter’s restaurant. Felix is now asking to be called Jerry’s pet hog "Montavious" after his victory against the previously undefeated champ Lumpy.
Jason Garrett is tired of being called "robotic" by the media. He began his Saturday Press Conference with the usual "How we doing guys?" and then began to respond to questions about the upcoming opponent with a series of "Yo Mama" jokes. The following is a brief transcript:
Reporter: "How will the offensive line deal with the Bears’ pass rush?"
Garrett: "Julius Peppers’ Mama is so fat she’s got more Chins than a Chinese phonebook."
Reporter: "What schemes will the team use to pressure Jay Cutler?"
Garrett: "Jay Cutler’s Mama is so ugly her pillow cries at night."
Reporter: "How about putting up points offensively on this defense?"
Garrett: "Lovie Smith’s Mama is so nasty she has to sneak up on bathwater."
Although the media was understandably confused by Garrett’s new approach to press conferences, Garrett has vowed to continue doing so until either the team wins a Super Bowl or he wins first place at "Amateur Night at The Apollo" whichever comes first.
Doug Free is anticipating being cut by the team soon so he has taken his lucrative contract money and invested it in creating a candle company named "Free’s Candle Emporium." Among the candles currently being marketed are:
"Morning Regret" which smells like stale cheap beer and used condoms.
"What Do Voluntary Mean" which smells like expensive new car and bankruptcy papers.
"Luscious Lumpy" which smells like cornbread, brisket, and week-old socks.
"Risky Rafael Septien" which smells like baby powder and fresh cherries.
"White House" which smells like "Morning Regret" cut with cocaine and Kotex.
Free is continuing to expand the product line and hopes to be able to sell his wares at Jerry World in addition to the store soon to be opened just outside of Valley Ranch.
Brandon Marshall, who was upset about Warren Sapp calling him a "Retard" on the Dan Patrick Show proceeded to film a rebuttal on his cell phone while driving in traffic and talking to the camera. It is unknown if the Chicago Transit Authority will be asking him to film any "safe driving" commercials again in the near future.
Former Cowboys player Jacques Reeves is still employed by an NFL team. Let that sink in for a moment.
Tom Ryle and Jerry Jones’ missing pet monkey "Fred" remain at large. After ditching the stolen bicycle, the pair was spotted at a truck stop just outside of Sacramento. Ryle was still wearing a pink and purple nightgown, his giant novelty sombrero (which says "I punched a donkey in Tijuana" across the front), and "Fred" was still in his replica Cowboys Cheerleader costume. It appears that the two of them were bouncing from truck cab to truck cab turning tricks for money. When the police arrived to check up on a report of two "Lot Lizards" at the truck stop, the pair had apparently hitched a ride with a trucker and were nowhere to be found. It is unknown where they are headed or what mode of transport they have taken but details will be provided as they emerge.
Jerry Jones has issued a $10,000 reward for information leading to the location of his missing pet monkey "Fred." All information is anonymous and confidential and may be reported directly to Jones at his office at Valley Ranch or Cowboy Stadium.