FanPost

NEWS FROM CAMP final edition

That's right folks this is the last NEWS FROM CAMP for the season.

However, due to overwhelming popular demand (ok, the 9 or 10 emails I received) this is the very first unveiling of a new series entitled:

NEWS FOR WEEK (number here)

In this series I will provide not only the coverage you have come to expect about our beloved Cowboys, but also provide inside info on the opponent for the upcoming week. Thank you for your support of this series, and, without further adieu I bring you...

NEWS FOR WEEK ONE

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Jamize Olawale has Bette Davis Eyes.

Our own BTB member Sexililkitti has provided me with "Where Are They Now" info on several of the players released by the team. Kitti reports that Teddy Williams, having not been picked up by a team yet, has begun a career in porn under the name "Big Jim Slade" and that Levi Adcock is driving a school bus in Gun Barrel City, Texas. More "Where Are They Now" info as Kitti reveals them to me.

Hakeem Nicks has an ingrown nail on his pinky toe and may be limited in the season opener on Wednesday. The team is reporting it as a "broken foot" so as not to hurt Nicks’ feelings.

Jason Witten, on the other hand, has said he will punch out the entire training staff and team doctors if they don’t clear him to play after suffering internal bleeding from a ruptured spleen. Reports are he was not kidding.

Speaking of Tight Ends in the upcoming game, Tardmellus Bennett predicted that he would catch 150 passes for 35 touchdowns and 2500 yards this season. He made this prediction on his new YouTube channel "The Tardy B Show" while naked and eating a bag of triple cheeseburgers with a four-foot bong in the background.

Unconfirmed sources say Tardmellus Bennett has named his bong the "Highatola Khomeini."

Tony Romo has been watching film of the Giants projected starters at cornerback and has been giggling uncontrollably. He even sent Tom Coughlin an email begging for him to play Prince Amukamara (who developed hypothermia after his teammates kept taping him up and dunking him in the Cold Tub and is questionable to play).

Tyrone Crawford (the Canadian phenom at Defensive End) has pictures of Eli Manning (excuse me, "Elisha" Manning) taped to the inside of his locker and has been imagining that every bad thing that ever happened in his life was caused by Manning. He keeps repeating "It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again" over and over as an angry mantra. Crawford is ready to do some serious damage in whatever playing time he gets during the game. Even Rob Ryan is afraid of what might happen if he and Ware are on the field together.

Vegas currently has 2-1 odds that Manning won’t survive to start the 4th quarter so place your bets now.

Speaking of Eli Manning (excuse me, "Elisha" Manning) Archie Barberio (who secretly married Elisha Manning in a private ceremony at a hospital near Giants training camp while heavily sedated after a severe beating from Osi Umenyiora during a jealous rage) has turned saboteur and has secretly sent Rob Ryan the current game plan from Manning’s playbook. Archie is also seeking an annulment of the marriage and full custody of any children should Manning become pregnant from their brief union. Details as they emerge.

Tom Coughlin has been yelling at kids in his neighborhood to get off his lawn and stop making so much noise when the school bus drops them off in the afternoon while he is trying to watch re-runs of "Matlock" and get ready for dinner at Denny’s for their "Senior Citizen’s Early Bird Special" that starts at 4:00.

Some guy named Michael Coe will be charged with covering Dez Bryant and Miles Austin for the Giants. It is unknown if he is the nephew of David Allen Coe.

Regarding the Giants’ cornerbacks, Jason Garrett said in his Monday press conference that the Giants secondary is like a tampon; only good for one period and no second string.

Blogging The Boys member Pharm. D (who is Jerry Jones’ personal pharmacist) reports details from the Dez Bryant 24 hour "Security Team" assigned to him. Pharm says the team will be comprised of out-of-work receivers and that Chad Johnson, Terrell Owens, and Plaxico Burress will work security for Dez. It is reported that Bryant has been instructed to do the opposite of whatever his security team suggests.

Oxnard Police investigated several reports of a severely sunburned elderly man in a sombrero with a makeshift blue and white loincloth walking hand-in-hand with a monkey being spotted at various locations around the city. It can only be assumed that this is Tom Ryle and Jerry Jones’ missing pet monkey "Fred."

Tom Ryle, after accidentally ingesting 24 peyote buttons, has apparently lost track of the last 12 days and believes the Cowboys (and, more importantly, the Cheerleaders) are still in Oxnard. God only knows what his reaction will be when he and "Fred" stagger up to the now vacant camp facilities. I fear for his physical, mental, and spiritual state when the cruel reality hits him that he has arrived too late. Please pray for him. Details as they emerge.

Ron Leary is no longer angry.

Another user-created commentary provided by a BTB reader.

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