And he gets paid to write this?

Gotta love some Calvin Watkins.

(insert puking sound here)

Okay, so I know that we've been doing our share of Calvin-bashing here at BtB, led by the esteemed Burrito Electrico, however, our good buddy Calvin has to realize just how much he's straining for truth and clicks. Here's today's drivel. I was so "touched" by what he wrote that I decided that today we're going to take a peek inside his brain to determine just what he's thinking as he writes.

Last week, Dallas Cowboys owner/general manager Jerry Jones said coach Jason Garrett wasn't coaching for his job, despite consecutive 8-8 seasons.

Tuesday afternoon, Garrett responded by saying every player and coach is.

Inner Calvin Watkins (ICW) "Let's see here. Jerry said that Jason's job is safe. Let's see what Jason says about it. Maybe he'll say something different from Jerry. Then I cam play up controversy between them and get clicks. Not only that, maybe I can get Jason to say that he should be fired. I've been thinking that since the day he accepted the job."

The Cowboys haven't reached the postseason under Garrett, who enters the third season of a four-year deal.

ICW: "I already mentioned 8-8, so let's say it in another way. No playoffs yet under Garrett. Not only that, let's word it so that it looks like Jason has had three years to right this ship which was sinking before he was hired. I could say that Jason has completed two of the original four years of his contract, but that won't make him sound like so much of a failure."

This offseason has been difficult for Garrett. He allowed his brother, John, to leave the franchise and become the tight ends coach at Tampa Bay. Defensive coordinator Rob Ryan was let go by Jones, despite the strong relationship he had with Garrett. And Garrett himself, might relinquish the play calling duties for 2013.

ICW: "Now let's bring up all the ways that I've made up about how Garrett has been undercut. Jerry made him fire his brother. Jerry made him fire Rob Ryan, and then I'll add a little tidbit that Jason and Rob were BFF's so that whoever reads this will think that Jason didn't really want Rob gone (AND I'll conveniently ignore the part about Rob skipping out on his own meetings). Oh yeah, then playcalling, playcalling, playcalling, my favorite."

Jones has said it's up to Garrett to make a final decision regarding the play caller.The offseason also included Jones saying quarterback Tony Romo will have more say with the offense. Jones, however, is confidence in Garrett's abilities to push the Cowboys to the postseason.

ICW: "Now Tony Romo must have the most influence around valley ranch. Of course, it can't be Garrett, he's been neutered! Then I'll use a metaphor about Jerry Jones having so much confidence in Jason Garrett that Jerry actually is confidence when it comes to Jason. I'll look so smart and witty. I am confidence of that too."

"Well, no, no he's not ... to the last question: Is Jason coaching for his job? No," Jones told the NFL Network in an interview from the NFL's spring meetings in Boston that aired last week. "What we're doing is taking the assets that we have, and Jason being right at the top and certainly our premier asset, and we're using them to the best of our ability."

ICW: " I need to fill out this article, but I have nothing left to say. I've already talked about playcalling. I've already talked about how Jerry has cut Jason off at the knees. I've already talked about Tony Romo. So I'm going to include some random Jerry quotes. Listen to him long enough and you can make him say anything."

(Inner Calvin Watkins, ICW was accessed through a top-secret method which shall not be disclosed. The method involves a special formula of Jack Daniels, Pizza, and Texas Bluebonnets.)

Another user-created commentary provided by a BTB reader.

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