Welcome back my friends to the show that never ends!
Yes indeed, it’s that time of year. Time for your humble narrator, ol’ Jed, to once again give you the real news of what is going on with our beloved Cowboys and the rest of the NFL. I have been scouring my sources for information these last few weeks and have the following nuggets of the "inside scoop" to share with my fine friends at Blogging the Boys. My sources have to remain anonymous and confidential, of course, for obvious reasons. However, I can assure all of you that I will only post what I can verify with a high degree of certainty and stand behind my reports with the highest level of journalistic integrity.
Many of you were surprised to see that Jerry Jones employs a "Personal Eyeglasses Cleaner." However, what most of you don’t know is that Jerry also has a "Personal Toilet Man" who is part of the entourage serving Jones. Jerry has not wiped or shaken for himself in more than a decade (After learning that Dan Snyder of the Redskins had a similar functionary in his employ, Jones hired ex-Cowboy Rafael Septien for the position.).
Jason Garrett was seen putting a pair of brass "Truck Nutz" on the back of his Volvo station wagon just to piss off Calvin Watkins.
In thinking about the ways in which groups of animals are classified (such as a "Pride of Lions," a "Parliament of Owls," a "Gaggle of Geese," etc.) Roger Goodell and the NFL offices have decided to begin experimenting with "classifying" NFL teams in similar fashion for marketing purposes. The NFC East is the first Division to garner team-specific classification by the NFL marketing gurus and it will be as follows: a "Prison of Eagles," for Philadelphia, a "Sewer of Giants" for the NYG, and a "Klan of Redskins" for the Washington Indigenous Peoples. The League is considering a "Champion of Cowboys" for Dallas but has yet to finalize the details.
Eagle fan and BtB troll JimmyK of Blogging The BEast is apparently hiding from Philadelphia mobsters after betting his life savings (492 dollars) on the Eagles winning the Super Bowl last year and not paying up on his bet with his bookie. Details as they emerge.
Travis Frederick got off to a bit of a rocky start in his first OTA when he mistook Phil Costa as the team punter. Fredbeard promptly apologized for his error to the baby-armed Costa and all was forgiven.
Anthony Spencer was reportedly giggling with joy upon learning he would be facing Alex Barron in the Thanksgiving game against the Raiders. He asked his new Line coach, Rod Marinelli, what the single-game sack record currently was and who held the record.
Monte Kiffin attended his High School reunion this past weekend and discovered he was the only one there.
Dez Bryant has been locked in Tony Romo’s basement ever since the end of minicamp in an effort to keep Bryant away from the bad influences that plagued him last year at this time. Dez has a treadmill, weight benches, JUGS machine, playbook, and a continuous-loop tape of Jerry Rice and Michael Irvin playing on the lone tv in the room. Romo told sources he expects Bryant to catch 35 touchdowns this season.
KD Drummond donated his hair to Locks of Love this past week, and in Montclair, New Jersey today a 10 year-old Jewish boy undergoing chemo became the most popular kid in his neighborhood by sporting shoulder-length dreads.
After being convicted on a litany of charges and sentenced to 45 years in Huntsville prison, Tom Ryle escaped yesterday and is currently the subject of a statewide manhunt. Upon hearing that Ryle was on the loose, Jerry Jones handcuffed his grandson Spaulding to his pet monkey Fred and told Spaulding to protect Fred with his own life. It appears that Tom is once again seeking cheerleaders at camp and needs Fred to be the "brains" of the operation and help him with his nefarious goals. Details as they emerge.
That’s most of the info I currently have but I will post more reports as I gather stories from my sources. Until then, keep on keepin’ on and GO COWBOYS!