Well, I've got to run to keep from hidin'/ And I'm bound to keep on ridin'.
Hello and Howdy BtB friends!
As we are counting down the days until Training Camp in Oxnard, your intrepid reporter, Tennessee Jed, has been as busy as Jerry Jones at a microphone factory gathering the real news and information surrounding the NFL landscape and our beloved Cowboys that you won’t find anywhere else. My sources have to remain anonymous and confidential, of course, for obvious reasons. However, I can assure all of you that I will only post what I can verify with the utmost degree of certainty and stand behind my reports with the highest level of journalistic integrity, equal even to national writers such as Calvin Watkins, Ed Werder, and Tim MacMahon. Of this, I promise. Now, on with this week’s report.
Cowboys Vice-President Stephen Jones confirmed in a pre-camp interview that, according to the team’s chief accountant Howie Felterbush, they should have no problems extending both Sean Lee and Dez Bryant to contracts in the near future. Good news for fans indeed!
New Eagles coach Chip Kelly said in an interview with ESPN that he may wait until the mid-point of the season before naming a starting quarterback. Apparently he is still unhappy with his possible options and is in contact with Donovan McNabb to see if his stomach has settled enough to get into playing shape before September.
In a Boston Herald news story, reporter Hugh Janus discusses expectations the Cowboys front office (i.e., Jerry Jones) can realistically expect from the team. Janus reports that anything less than the playoffs would be a disappointment.
In a Blogging-the-Boys-specific story only for members, KD Drummond has confirmed that anyone who posts "That’s what she said" or "Git-er-done" will receive a warning, with suspension or banning to follow if the offense is repeated. When interviewed about the new BtB policy, Drummond stated: "I ain’t even playin’, y’all."
JimmyK from Bleeding Green Nation reports that he likes Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain. He’s not into Yoga, but he likes watching porn at midnight.
As most of you know, Jerry Jones has sold the naming rights of Cowboys Stadium to AT&T. However, what many of you are unaware of is that yours truly, Tennessee Jed, actually had a "fallback deal" in place with the Jones family and the organization. I offered 10 pounds of venison jerky and a case of moonshine to name the stadium Commodore Jed’s Emporium of Pain. Unfortunately, the offer from AT&T was significantly higher.
Cowboys ex-scout and current Cowboys website writer Bryan Broaddus was saddened to hear that his 9th grade English teacher, Miss Johnson, had committed suicide after reading a few of his articles on the mothership.
After watching her son’s opening speech to the players that was featured on Peter King’s new MMQB website, Jason Garrett’s mother promptly drove to Oxnard where she grabbed the head coach by his ear, dragged him to his hotel room, and proceeded to wash his mouth out with the mini-bar of soap provided by the Marriot Hotel. Garrett has been instructed that he is no longer allowed to use curse words and that he was "raised better than that" by his Momma.
Tom Ryle has been spotted! Police in Mena, Arkansas report that a man wearing a bright orange mini-dress was discovered hiding inside the toilet of one of the County Fair’s port-o-potties. The man was described by various witnesses as looking "deranged," "mentally unstable," and "Bat **** crazy." Likewise, he was said to have "smelled like a dead hobo’s underwear" (With one woman stating: "When I seen him come a-runnin’ outta that there outhouse I fell on my knees and accepted Jesus right then and there! I swear to y’all that was the dang Devil his self I seen today!").
Although true identification is impossible, this can only describe Tom Ryle. After discovery in the port-o-potty Tom ran through the fairgoers (where no one was brave enough to tackle or subdue him due to his foul stench) and escaped into the woods across the highway from the fairgrounds. State Troopers brought in scent-tracking dogs to try and locate Tom’s trail but, after smelling the tracks, the dogs began whimpering and howling and refused to go any further due to the ungodly odor. The woods connect to the Ozark forest and police state Tom could be anywhere within the wilderness after having such an extensive headstart on the authorities. FBI agents have been called in to assist with the search and residents within a 20-mile radius have been informed to be on the lookout. However, given the large area to be searched and Ryle’s determination, it is nearly impossible to expect him to be found (unless he does something to draw attention to himself). Details as they emerge.
Ron Leary is still angry.
That’s most of the info I currently have but I will post more reports as I gather stories from my sources. Until then, keep on keepin’ on and GO COWBOYS!