FanPost

NEWS FROM CAMP #2: Electric Boogaloo

California dreaming on such a Summer’s day.

Greetings and salutations BtB friends!

As we are counting down the days until Training Camp in Oxnard, your intrepid reporter, Commodore Jed, has been as busy as Lumpy at a Chinese buffet gathering the real news and information surrounding the NFL landscape and our beloved Cowboys that you won’t find anywhere else. My sources have to remain anonymous and confidential, of course, for obvious reasons. However, I can assure all of you that I will only post what I can verify with the utmost degree of certainty and stand behind my reports with the highest level of journalistic integrity, equal even to national writers such as Calvin Watkins, Ed Werder, and Skip Bayless. Of this, I promise. Now, on with this week’s report.

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Under mounting pressure to change the name of the team from the ethnically offensive "Redskins" to something less racist, Washington owner Dan Snyder is finally reconsidering his previous statements that he would never, ever change the moniker. He has spent a lot of money to bring in a group of high-priced consultants to consider the situation and propose alternative names. The group consists of Rush Limbaugh, David Duke, Paula Deen, and Mel Gibson. (Alec Baldwin was considered for a position in the group but the other members deemed him too "unstable.") The names under consideration include: "Washington Wetbacks," "Washington Porch Monkeys," and, the current frontrunner, "Washington Uncle Ruckuses." No word yet on when the group will present their final report to Snyder.

As most of you know, Dawn Macelli (aka Kitti), is a well-connected Attorney with many high-profile contacts. As the bizarre story of Patriots owner Bob Kraft having his Super Bowl ring stolen by Russian Prime Minister Vladamir Putin unfolded in the news, Macelli was able to uncover the shocking truth behind this international incident. Kraft and head coach Bill Belichick actually purchased top secret surveillance equipment from the KGB in order to steal playcalls and information from opposing teams, resulting in the "Spygate" scandal that rocked the organization. The ring was actually a "thank you" gift from the team for helping them cheat and win the Super Bowl! Kraft concocted the "theft" story in order to divert attention away from anyone discovering that the organization had illegally procured Russian spy gear.

Valley Ranch sources tell me that the ill-will between Travis Frederick and Phil Costa has apparently intensified. After Fredbeard took all the first-team reps at Center during the OTAs, Costa began attempting to sabotage the rookie in order to keep his starting position. Costa repeatedly hid Fredbeard’s playbook, slashed the tires on his car, spiked his Gatorade with Ex-Lax, and knotted up the laces on his cleats. Finally fed up with the situation, Fredbeard taunted the baby-armed Costa and asked if he had to masturbate while bending over because his arms are so short, causing Costa to threaten to have Hulk Hogan (his future father-in law) put him in a sleeper hold until he gives back the starting job. I will continue to monitor this situation and report any further developments.

New Philadelphia Eagles running back Felix Jones made a minor faux pas when he walked into the locker room on the first day of OTAs and happily shouted: "Where my Dawgs at?" to his new teammates. Michael Vick suddenly panicked and replied: "I ain’t got them man! I swear!"

Speaking of the Eagles, Jason Garrett has been paying attention to the odd practice rituals being instituted by new head coach Chip Kelly. Kelly’s habit of playing music during practice inspired Garrett to try the same tactic to see if intensity and concentration improved. The experiment was a resounding failure however, and was abandoned after only one practice session. Apparently Garrett’s musical selections of "The Carpenters’ Greatest Hits," "Zamfir: Master of the Pan Flute," the soundtrack to the Broadway musical "Annie" and some random mix tapes from his college days at Princeton (which he had stashed in the glovebox of his Volvo station wagon) did not go over well with the players or the staff. Garrett has promised to never do it again.

Just as a personal aside; I have never once in my life seen a grown man named "Chip." Ever.

Blogging the Boys Fanposter extraordinaire Yellowbeard was denied entry to a Cracker Barrel in Toad Suck, Arkansas over the weekend. Restaurant management apparently did not approve of Yellowbeard’s attire and refused service. A very upset Yellowbeard told the manager: "Whell, a-scuuuse ME, Mister Mater Dee! Ah lef' my top hat and monocle out thayer in m'rig!!!" In Yellowbeard’s defense, although the sign did say "No shirt, No shoes, No service" it did NOT say anything about pants.

Roger Goodell has enlisted Plaxico Burress to help the NFL deal with educating players about gun violence and avoid any further negative stories in the press during this offseason period. The program is tentatively titled "Don’t Y’all Be Shootin’ Nobody!!!" and will commence when training camp begins in the upcoming weeks.

Texas authorities are still engaged in a statewide manhunt for Tom Ryle after his daring escape from the Huntsville prison last week. Reports indicate that Tom managed to fashion his orange jumpsuit into a summer mini-dress and flag down a nearsighted trucker who dropped him off somewhere between Corsicana and Ennis. Although all rest areas, truck stops, and adult movie theaters within a 100-mile radius were searched by police, Ryle has yet to be captured. It is presumed that he is once again attempting to attend Cowboys training camp after failing miserably last year to meet the team’s cheerleaders. All Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders have been informed of the danger and asked to protect themselves accordingly. Details as they emerge.

Meanwhile, Jerry Jones continues to keep his grandson Spaulding handcuffed to his pet monkey Fred 24/7 for fear that Ryle may once again kidnap Fred as his accomplice in crime and the suspected "brains" of the operation. Jones’ pet monkey Fred was found "Not Guilty" by the Dallas County Court after Fred’s defense team successfully argued that the monkey suffered from "Stockholm Syndrome" and could not be held accountable for his criminal actions while under the control of Mr. Ryle.

Today, July 5, 2013, marks Day 187 in waiting for JimmyK to pay off his bet with BtB member mfoster and submit a Fanpost proclaiming the awesomeness of Anthony Spencer. The "JimmyK Fanpost Watch" continues…

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That’s most of the info I currently have but I will post more reports as I gather stories from my sources. Until then, keep on keepin’ on and GO COWBOYS!

Another user-created commentary provided by a BTB reader.

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