FanPost

NEWS FROM CAMP #3: Return of the Jed(i)

Do this, don’t do that/Can’t you read the sign

Hello and Howdy BtB friends!

As we are counting down the days until Training Camp in Oxnard, your intrepid reporter, Commodore Jed, has been as busy as Jerry Jones at a microphone factory gathering the real news and information surrounding the NFL landscape and our beloved Cowboys that you won’t find anywhere else. My sources have to remain anonymous and confidential, of course, for obvious reasons. However, I can assure all of you that I will only post what I can verify with the utmost degree of certainty and stand behind my reports with the highest level of journalistic integrity, equal even to national writers such as Calvin Watkins, Ed Werder, and Skip Bayless. Of this, I promise. Now, on with this week’s report.

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Tyron Smith and Dez Bryant have both been asked by Roger Goodell to present a lecture at next year’s Rookie Symposium (after previously booking Pacman Jones to address "Personal Responsibility" and Plaxico Burress to discuss "Gun Safety"). Goodell asked the two Cowboys teammates to address the issue of family involvement in the life of an NFL player. Dez and Tyron’s lecture is tentatively titled: "All Y’all Crazy Mofos Get Away From Me!! I’m Tryin’ To Keep My Damn Job!!!" Commissioner Goodell is also planning to ask several other players to present lectures at the 2014 Rookie Symposium. Details as they emerge.

Valley Ranch sources tell me that the hostility between Travis Frederick and Phil Costa continues to escalate. Costa apparently attempted to pull the old "flaming dog poop in a paper bag" trick on Fredbeard (after gathering nearly 10 pounds of poop from his neighbor’s Great Dane "Squashblossom"). Unfortunately, after Costa set the bag on fire his arms were too short to reach the doorbell and in the ensuing confusion he set his sweatpants on fire, stepped in the poop himself, and slipped on the steps in front of Fredbeard’s condo, before finally remembering "Stop, Drop, and Roll" and extinguishing the blaze. Fredbeard was not even home when the incident occurred. However, upon returning to his condo and seeing burn marks all over his front yard and dog-poop footprints smeared on his steps, he rewound his security camera tape and learned the truth. Fredbeard then posted the video on YouTube where it has already garnered more than 11,000 views under the heading "Baby-Arm Burning Backfire." Further reports will follow as I gather information.

The Philadelphia Eagles apparently made the decision to discontinue training camp at Lehigh College this year for fear that new head coach Chip Kelly would be arrested if he ever set foot on a college campus again (due to NCAA sanctions levied against him). Therefore, they are holding camp at their own facilities this season. I will monitor the situation to see how the annual summer rat infestation affects practice at the Philadelphia site. Team trainers have been supplied with rabies vaccinations and other staff members have been provided stun-guns and cattle-prods to try and scare off the vermin from the practice field.

In taking a survey of my sources and colleagues, the general consensus is clear: Never trust a grown man named "Chip." Ever. There’s gotta be something "funny" about him.

Succumbing to pressure from the local media, the Dallas Cowboys have once again denied Blogging the Boys FPWs OCC and Rabble press passes to this year’s camp in Oxnard. BtB member DalaiLuke brought this to my attention and I consulted anonymous "inside sources" who confirmed this fact to be true. The mainstream media is afraid that their annual "vacation" would be ruined if they had to actually work and present reports that required more than fifteen minutes to write and a haphazard proofreading by Bryan Broadus for errors. This is a clear miscarriage of justice and I assure all of you that I will continue to monitor this situation and report on the "journalists" who have committed this atrocity to our esteemed Front-Page Writers!

Of course, at last year’s Training Camp, the most hard-hitting, football-minded question came from "analyst" Mickey Spagnola who asked several players; "If you could be any animal what would you be?" (Yes folks, these are the type of questions asked during camp by the mainstream press.) Among the responses: Tony Romo said he would be a lion—king of the jungle, Jay Ratliff would be a grizzly bear—fearsome predator, and Tyrone Crawford said he would be a whale. When Crawford was asked why he chose a whale he replied: "Because I’d have a ten-foot tongue and a hole on the top of my head to breathe out of." Sadly, Crawford’s reply did not make it to the article that was eventually published.

In a bizarre but absolutely true fact, the NFL begins its five-month window of annual recreational drug testing on April 20th (otherwise known as 4/20). Players who are not in a drug prevention program are only subject to one test per year and are not tested again until the next testing window, although PED testing can occur at any time.

Today, July 9, 2013, marks Day 191 in waiting for JimmyK to pay off his bet with BtB member mfoster and submit a Fanpost proclaiming the awesomeness of Anthony Spencer. The "JimmyK Fanpost Watch" continues…

Tom Ryle has literally disappeared. Please alert me if you spotted him or have info on his whereabouts.

Ron Leary is still angry.

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That’s most of the info I currently have but I will post more reports as I gather stories from my sources. Until then, keep on keepin’ on and GO COWBOYS!

Another user-created commentary provided by a BTB reader.

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