FanPost

Melton Negotiations: the inside scoop.

Please note: this is just a joke, it's not to be taken seriously. For background on the joke please quickly check this small article here.

Deep into negotiations...

Jerry Jones feeling confident: "Let's break for lunch shall we? Feel like anything in particular Henry?"

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Henry Melton feeling hungry: "Got any white employees you're not really using..."

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Jerry Jones: "Ahhh, say again, what was that?"

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Henry Melton: "Never mind. I'd love some grilled kidney. Or sauteed kidney. Stewed kidney. Raw kidney. Live kidney. Really most any offal you have would do. Worst case I'll take Kidney Beans, I'm pretty flexible."

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Jerry Jones: "Hahaha, you sure do like kidney don't you? Tell you what, sign with us and I'll get you a whole bunch of Kidney, hahaha..."

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Henry Melton: "How much kidney we talking about?"

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Jerry Jones: "Haha, more than you can handle..."

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Henry Melton: "I can handle a lot..."

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Jerry Jones: "Hahaha, ok then, we'll meet back here after lunch"

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...Melton leaves...

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Jason Garrett: "He could be a very good signing for us Jerry."

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Jerry Jones: "Yes, but didn't that kidney thing strike you as being a little odd?"

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Jason Garrett: "Au contraire Mr. Jones, the kidneys perform the function of highly specialized filters, selectively purifying the blood and eliminating impurities."

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Jerry Jones: "And so..., there's a lecture coming isn't there?"

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A confident Jason Garrett: "Can't you see? He's expressing his approval of the way I've purged the roster. The way I'm purifying the roster and salary cap. Him wanting to eat the kidneys is a metaphor for wanting to help me destroy the sins of the past, to speed up the healing, to hasten the elevation of the process, to..."

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Jerry Jones cuts in: "Ok I get it, are you finished?"

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Jason Garrett: Not remotely, I'm just getting started. The kidney's are also mentioned in both the Old and New Testaments and also the Jewish Talmud, they are regarded by some as the cornerstones of the Yang and Yin in the body. The two kidneys have been refereed to as being the conscience of good and evil, which could also perhaps metaphorically summarize the power play between a young energetic, indubitably clever Head Coach and an old failed GM desperately trying to rescue himself from laughingstock status before he dies. Melton is testing us Mr. Jones, I, of course, have passed. I think he's precisely the RKG for this team."

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An exasperated Jerry Jones: "Well some of that may be true, honestly I really have little idea what you're talking about, but do you really think that's his reason for being obsessed with kidneys?"

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Jason Garrett: "Well, of course, what else could it be?"

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Jerry Jones: "Maybe, he's just, ya'know, crazy."

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Jason Garrett: "Hohoho, that is preposterous Jerry. You need to read between the lines, Melton is a visionary. In fact, I feel we may be kindred spirits, Melton and I. Being a misunderstood genius is something I've had to battle through my whole life."

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Jerry Jones losing patience: "Yes, yes, you're a genius, we've heard it all before. Then why can't you turn this team into a contender?"

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Jason Garrett: "Hohoho, I'm a genius Jerry, not a miracle worker. If I did not have to undo years of your incompetence we might be a contender by now. If you want to speed up the process of Dallas' resurrection then you should continue to speed up the process of you making fewer and fewer decisions. That way we may have a chance before Tony capitulates and before you pass over..."

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Jerry Jones: "Alright, alright, that'll do." (Mumbles) "...smug prick..."

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Stephen Jones wistfully: "I wish I still had two kidneys..."

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Jason Garrett: "Good grief Stephen! I had no idea. Pray tell, what in blazes happened?"

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A confused Stephen Jones: "I'm not really sure. It was a few weeks ago, I was working late one night in my office and then just woke up the next day in the trainers room and..."

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Jerry Jones: "Enough Stephen! Nobody wants to hear your bull-crap stories!"

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Stephen Jones: "Then how do you explain the huge scar dad!?"

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Jason Garrett: "That does look like the result of a rather large incision. It looks recent too..."

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Jerry Jones: "Nonsense, you've had that since you were a baby, you fell down the stairs! Now pull your shirt down and get out of here right now before I promote Jerry Jr. to your position!!"

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Stephen Jones: "Fine", then whispers softly to himself "Avada Kedavra Jerry, Avada Kedavra Jerry".

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Dr. Nick: "Mr. Jones you left your Cyclosporine pills in my office..."

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Jerry Jones: "Ahhh ha ha, now's not the time Dr. Nick, come back later..."

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Jason Garrett: "Who was that fellow Jerry? Aren't Cyclosporine medications used for..."

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Jerry Jones: "Look, it's just a new team doctor we hired a few weeks ago, he does, ahhh, specialty alternative treatments...anyway look, Henry's back, let's get down to business. Hey, what's that on your face Henry, it sorta looks like..."

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Henry Melton: "Lunch"

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Jerry Jones: "Ahhh, ok, it just sorta looks like..."

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Henry Melton: "Yeah, I found some low level employees in the trainers room, they helped me out with lunch"

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Jerry Jones: "Ahhh, well that's terrific, ...I think. Now if you'll just sign here we've got a deal"

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Henry Melton enthusiastically: "Done. Now, where's the kidneys you promised me?"

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Jason Garrett excitedly: "Oh, there will be kidneys every week when the season starts, the metaphorical purging, the battle of spirit, good versus evil, with you by my side Henry there will be nothing that can stop the process!!"

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Henry Melton: "What the hell are you talking about? Shut your mouth egghead!!"

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Jason Garrett: ...

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Jerry Jones Junior phones Jerry's office: "Sorry to interrupt father but we've got some seriously injured employees downstairs, it's a bona fide bloodbath, call the ambulance, no, call the lawyers, then call the ambulance"

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A panicked Jerry Jones: "What the heck is going on, we need to get down there immediately..."

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Henry Melton: "Nobody is leaving this room until I get the kidneys I was promised! And if they can't be delivered I swear I will just take yours..."

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Jerry Jones: ...

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Jason Garrett: ...

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Another user-created commentary provided by a BTB reader.

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