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The Oiler Troll's Fantasy - Football Edition

Hi Everybody!

Alright, Oiler Troll is pretty confident nobody on here really would give a rat's Jaworski as to the relationship Oiler Troll has with Oiler Trollette, but she and her girl-type-people friends did hold their fantasy draft today, and there were some fun things to observe. None of which had anything to do with a Costa Rican brothel or any of that kind of bull-Theisman, fortunately.

So, some observations about Oiler Trollette's all female fantasy football league:

First of all - if you have the time and patience (and it takes some patience) it is a healthy thing for your relationship. Some women actually want this, as they find it a strange way to enter your world and find common ground in which to communicate. No, no, no, I am not suggesting that you go overboard and enter the Steve Christie territory that Bill Simmons of ESPN's page 2 writes so much about (you know, guys who are Cunningham-whipped) - just be brave, encouraging, try a little experiment and see if something clicks...and have some Scotch nearby just in case things go wrong.

Things to look for - for certain girls who know aboslutely nothing about football, here is your chance to educate them...and share with them the crack pipe that is fantasy football. I cannot think of a better way to keep the relationship healthy. Oiler Trollette falls here and seems to hang on Oiler Troll's every word as if he were the be-all/end-all football authority. Oiler Troll digs the position of superiority in the relationship...even if this be the only one. And don't none of you Carmichaels be getting any big ideas and letting Oiler Trollette in on the open secret that Oiler Troll does not know what the hell he is talking about. Please, it is all Oiler Troll has.

For other girls, ie, those who know something about football, you get to see just how far they will take it, how competitive they really are, and get some true character traits out in the open that are better revealed during fantasy football as opposed to major life decisions (...I mean the kind that do not involved football). The league commissioner of this group (we shall call her â€Å"Katie”, Katie, not you - another Katie - Oiler Troll's word) So Katie (seriously, not you, Katie) is this one woman and came to play - she had spreadsheets in addition to the standard FFL magazines. Normally, Oiler Troll would say, "Great", only that was until Oiler Troll heard her team's name - "Ball Crushers". As Eddie Murphy once said on such matters, "Hey, hey, hey - playtime is over."

So, to sum up, Oiler Troll has to be careful that his pontification of football to Oiler Trollette does not result in a 5 part lecture on which shoes go with which outfits for which season in which metrolpolitan areas, the Commissioner's dude may be needing to sleep with one eye open if you know what I mean.

Iâ€â"¢m serious Dave - I heard Katie kind of went nuts in pun intended.

Other quick notes:

Smack Talk: Girls are weird. Boys may be dumb, but girls are just plain weird. This particular group of women is utilizing the Fantasy internet options, including the smack talk. Oiler Troll read such a smack talk email which concluded with this peculiar line:

"so anyway, I'm bringing the champagne, you're bring the OJ, and Katie is making orange and blue jello shots (Broncos' colors)."

Again, girls are weird. (And let's not forget how Homer Simpson felt about inheriting the Denver Broncos).

Ever wonder what your draft would look like if you and your friends each filtered picks through a woman who had too many mimosas mixed with jello shots. Since every team in this league had some Cunningham-whipped consigliore, now Oiler Troll knows...which leads him to declare officially via scientific analysis - they are weird

[For this draft every girl had some guy who sent her pick lists except the girl whose boyfriend is orignially from southern California and knew nothing about football - go figure].

Comments about your friends anatomy: Um, Oiler Troll is too bashful to call out which girls in this league have have big Vermeils and which girls do not...but one of the girls in the league was not bashful at all about it. What does Oiler Troll mean here? Well, let me explain: One gal started mocking another gal for her poor draft choices. The other gal responded by saying, "Well, you know, your team could never be called [name of girl withheld] and her Super TDs" implying that her Vermeils were not very big. As if that were not bad enough, another girl chimed in and said, "[names of 2 other girls witheld] could not use that name either". To clarify, the smack talk started between 2 people, resulted in some crass comment about Vermeil size, and then wound up insulting 2 other innocent bystander girls for their Vermeil size, so half the league is already Randy Mossed at each other. That just doesn't happen at dude drafts.

Back to Oiler Trollette and her actual picks. Here is how she did (and I am saving the WR picks for last). (Incidentally, Oiler Trollette giggled every time she had to say Tight End - she is one of those, but we love her anyway).

She had the first pick, with which she took Peyton Manning.

Julius Jones
Rudi Johnson
Stephen Davis
Reuben Droughns

Interestingly, the other members of her league made fun of her because their lists did not rank Julius Jones very highly and did not have Stephen Davis at all. Rueben Droughns she picked comepletely on her own, which also invited ridicule. Oiler Troll suggested Cadillac Williams with her last RB pick, but failed to provide her with Williams' real first name, so she could not find him and in frustration she got Droughns. We shall see how that turns out. Â

Jake Delhomme

I don't know how she got Delhomme out of this, but she did. KC Joyner likes him and that is good enough for Oiler Trollette. Â

Jason Elam

Done I believe out of spite to the Commissioner aka "Ballcrusher" who again is a Broncos fan - if so, Oiler Troll is very proud, and very impressed with how Oiler Trollette learned the essence of fantasy football - Carmichael your budy whenever possible.

Jason Witten
Eric Johnson

This site is directly responsible for the Witten pick. Again, this is a southern California league and the Cowboys are getting no respect, which is sort of crazy.


Not sure what happened here other than Oiler Trollette liked the colors and jerseys of these 2 teams.

Now, for WR, you are going to think Oiler Troll made this up, but he didn't, and nor was this part of some overall plan. Oiler Troll presensted Oiler Trollette with lists and rankings. Here is how WR worked out:

Drew Bennett
Derick Mason
Justin McCarrens

So yes, Oiler Trollette picked the entire receiving corps of last year's Tennessee Oilers, aka the team formerly known as the Houston Oilers. This was an accident and clearly this is the weakest part of her team, but oh well.

So there you have it friends - a draft as filtered through girls, champagne and Bronco jello shots. It wasn't pretty. Oiler Trollette called afterwards apparently huddled and cowering in the corner of the kitchen as the other girls made fun of how she blew #1 pick privileges, and I have to say she was probably a little tipsy. Oiler Troll could hear shouts of smack talk aimed at her. She would alternate from the kind, loving and caring voice to putting the phone down and yelling smacktalk back at the tops of her lungs like the Frances McDormond character in Raising Arizona. Oiler Troll did what he could to peersuade her that she did good - time will tell.

Sundays should prove to be interesting this year.


(Oiler Troll apologizes for the excessive and foul language.)

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