(Promoted from the comments section)
BTB regular Tuna Helper, in a deliciously inspired piece, channels Bill Parcells to handle conversation with his girlfriend on some touchy subjects.
Tuna Helper: I know what I have in you.
G: Who's cooking do you like better mine or your
TH: Well. My mom does have several skins on the wall.
G: Honey do I look better than all your other girlfriends?
TH: Sure. You should move to Canton.
G: If we were to get married, where would it be?
TH: So we're talking hypotheticals now?
G: Honey am I fat?
TH: You are what you are.
G: So how long is it going to take before we get married?
TH: After the third year, you've gotta show me something.
G: Again, honey do you love me?
TH: Well, you're a smart kid. You're pretty athletic. And you're pretty versatile.
G: Do you want to help me cook?
TH: I'll stick my nose in there from time to time.
G: Do you ever think about leaving me?
TH: And I'm not trying to be a jerk here, but I just try to have a contingency plan for everything. And that's the truth.
G: Do you remember the first time we met?
TH: Yup. Sometimes you just stick your bat out there and the ball hits it.
G: How come you never ask for directions when you're lost?
TH: That's a recognition problem.
G: Why didn't you take out the trash last night?
TH: Mental error.