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Parcells can help your relationship

(Promoted from the comments section)

BTB regular Tuna Helper, in a deliciously inspired piece, channels Bill Parcells to handle conversation with his girlfriend on some touchy subjects.

Girlfriend: honey do you love me?

Tuna Helper: I know what I have in you.

G: Who's cooking do you like better mine or your
mother's?

TH: Well. My mom does have several skins on the wall.

G: Honey do I look better than all your other girlfriends?

TH: Sure. You should move to Canton.

G: If we were to get married, where would it be?

TH: So we're talking hypotheticals now?

G: Honey am I fat?

TH: You are what you are.

G: So how long is it going to take before we get married?

TH: After the third year, you've gotta show me something.

G: Again, honey do you love me?

TH: Well, you're a smart kid. You're pretty athletic. And you're pretty versatile.

G: Do you want to help me cook?

TH: I'll stick my nose in there from time to time.

G: Do you ever think about leaving me?

TH: And I'm not trying to be a jerk here, but I just try to have a contingency plan for everything. And that's the truth.

G: Do you remember the first time we met?

TH: Yup. Sometimes you just stick your bat out there and the ball hits it.

G: How come you never ask for directions when you're lost?

TH: That's a recognition problem.

G: Why didn't you take out the trash last night?

TH: Mental error.

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