Listen up, I just the call on my cell. Jerry Jones wanted to let me know that he was chillin' in his 12-person hot tub shaped like Texas Stadium and knocking back some 40's with his crew. He said he didn't have time for all this free agency stuff and had asked Bill Parcells to handle it, but Parcells is more interested in hanging out at baseball spring training than dealing with this headache. So Jer - as I call him - asked me to take over and clean up this mess. I hit him up for a fat consulting fee and two free rides on his jet with a posse of Hooters girls, then I said I would bail him out.
First order of business, sign a new WR. Sorry guys, I can't wait around for Keyshawn to decide where he's going. I need someone now. I'm calling the Packers and trying to get Javon Walker. I'm willing to part with a nice draft pick. If I get no love, I'll move on to Buffalo and Eric Moulds, try to dump a late draft pick in 2007 on them. As a last resort I talk to some scrubs, maybe even Peerless Price would get a visit, just to get a warm body in here and then I draft Chad Jackson or Santonio Holmes.
For you T.O. guys out there, I couldn't help you. When Jerry gave me complete control, he actually didn't give me complete control. Shortly after I took over I got a fax from some friends of Parcells in New Jersey. It read: "We talked to the Big Kahuna, aka the Tuna, and he doesn't like this T.O. guy too much, so signing him would be adverse to your future physical well-being." I wasn't sure what that meant, but it didn't sound good, so it was a no-go on the T.O.
Next, using my precise methods of talent evaluation - otherwise known as flipping a coin - I choose a kicker. The battle came down to Vinatieri and Vanderjagt, the coin showed heads and Vinatieri is our new kicker.
Bada bing, I'm almost there. I'm taking the safe route and getting a veteran RT, so Jon Runyan (or Jason Fabini as a backup plan) will be manning that spot. OK, I hear you, signing aging vets can be a bad move long term. Point taken; but Jerry told me if I fail to win this year, he's taking me out of his will. And you know I can't let that happen, so I'm going with the tried and true.
I cap it all off by signing Julian Peterson to man the OLB position, and show up on opening day with a LB crew of Ware, James, Ayodele, and Peterson. Tell me that wouldn't be sweet.
I need a FS, but I'm going to put that off to the draft. I'm looking for Daniel Bullocks or Ko Simpson, probably after I've traded down into the 2nd round. After that, I'm drafting the best available players.
OG Kyle Kosier
LB Akin Ayodele
(after I take charge)
WR Javon Walker (trade)
K Adam Vinatieri
RT Jon Runyan
OLB Julian Peterson