Wherein your intrepid blogger becomes a fly-on-the-wall for all of Jerry Jones' head coaching interviews.
Tony Sparano interview:
TS: Jerry, I want be your next head coach.
JJ: Tony, I wanted a facelift that would make me look 20 years younger instead of like Skeletor from the He-Man cartoons. But that didn't happen, either.
TS: I see your point.
JJ: Look, we like you and want to keep you. Plus we never get tired of the "Tony Soprano" jokes. Here's a small raise.
TS: Thanks Jerry, do you validate parking?
JJ: I pay you to coach, not to park. Next.
Todd Bowles interview:
JJ: Todd, thanks for coming in and thanks for being a minority. That Rooney Rule is a real bugger. But we'd like you to consider the defensive coordinator position for next year.
TB: I thought this was an interview to be the head coach?
JJ: Well, I thought 500 coaches could coach this team to a championship. That turned out to be wrong, also. Besides, here's a nice little raise.
TB: Thanks Jerry, I guess. Do you validate parking?
JJ: To Stephen Jones - Tell him.
SJ: We pay you to coach, not to park.
Todd Haley interview:
TH: Jerry, I could do a fantastic job as your new head coach. And I could take care of that cancer called T.O.
JJ: Jerry sits in stunned silence, trying to stretch his face muscles to show ultimate surprise and anger at the same time. It's a tough battle.
TH: Jerry, are you still with me?
Wade Phillips interview:
JJ: Wade, can you fix my defense?
WP: I can fix your defense, Jerry. I could turn it into a turnover-machine.
JJ: Fantastic, and what are your plans for our offense?
WP: Explain to me that part of the game again. I know you get four downs for a first down, but how many steps are in a 5-step drop?
Norv Turner interview:
NT: Jerry, thanks for having me in for an interview, we could make this place just like it was in the 90's - minus Troy Aikman, Emmit Smith, Michael Irvin, a big, dominating offensive line and the hair model Jimmy Johnson. But other than that, I don't see any problem.
JJ: I was thinking the same thing. What's your plan for the defense?
NT: I want Rivera to be my defensive coordinator.
JJ: Uhh...OK....but Norv, you do realize that Rivera is our right guard and may not be up on his defense?
NT: No Jerry, I'm talking about Bears coach Ron Rivera.
JJ: You're always one step ahead of me Norv. Just for that, I'm going to validate your parking.
Mike Singletary interview:
JJ: Mike, I just want to say that you're not here because of the Rooney Rule. Even though we scheduled this at the last moment and just because I got a call from Roger Goodell saying that my 5-minute interview with Todd Bowles doesn't count, you're not here to satisfy any rules that require us to interview a minority. If that was the case, I would've just placed a phone call to Denny Green.
MS: Jerry, I'm a leader of men; I motivate them to fight their hearts out. I get them to run through brick walls. In fact, if I gave you the crazy-eyes right now, you'd be highly motivated to make me head coach.
JJ: But you're kind of inexperienced Mike. What about the X's and O's?
MS: Jerry, it's not about X's and O's, it's about Jimmy's and Joe's. It's about being men and standing up for your place in this football arena.
JJ: I like that "Jimmy's and Joe's" thing. Can I use it? Anyway, we'll get back to you.
MS: Do you validate?
JJ: No, but thanks for coming.
MS: Singletary gives Jerry the crazy-eyes.
JJ: Stephen, please validate Mr. Singletary's parking.
Gary Gibbs interview:
GG: Why am I here?
JJ: Because Bill Parcells asked me to invite you.
GG: Am I getting the job?
JJ: No, but as a courtesy to Bill, I will validate your parking. Next.
Jason Garret interview:
JJ: Jason we want to hire you.
JG: For the head coaching job? I want to be head coach.
JJ: Jason, I want to get a full-body massage from a Swedish bombshell complete with a happy ending, but we don't always get what we want.
SJ: Stephen Jones interrupts. Dad...Inga is scheduled to arrive at three o'clock.
JJ: Oh yeah. Well, I also want to be the richest, most flamboyant, most talked about owner in the NFL. But we don't always get what we want.
SJ: Dad, you are the...
JJ: Shut it, Stephen. Jason, let's just say you're the head coach in-waiting.
JG: I only have one question then. Do you validate?
I have performed my public service by giving you the inside scoop. I hope this clears up the process of searching for a new head coach.