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Dallas Cowboys 2008 schedule: Breaking it down

I’ve used the most exacting scientific methods and unparalleled mathematical equations to break down the Dallas Cowboys schedule and predict their end of season record. The results of this massive effort are below.

9/7 @ Cleveland – Oh boy, they couldn’t have picked a better opponent for Dallas to start the season. Still extremely vexed after the Browns had the nerve to actually win last year when Dallas held their first-round pick and in the process prevent Jerry Jones from getting his guy McFadden, the Cowboys go on a rampage and win handily. They later send a note to Romeo Crennel wondering why he didn’t start Brady Quinn last year.
WIN

9/15 Philly – The question beforehand is how many hours will ESPN try to wring out of the played-out Philly/T.O. equation  instead of digging into actual football stuff to analyze the game. The Cowboys blitz dominates Donovan McChunky and stymies the Eagles.
WIN

9/ 21 @ Green Bay – Aaron Rodgers bedazzles the Cowboys like he did last year but wins the game this time, only to go on and lose seven straight games forcing Brett Favre to ditch his Wranglers for some football pants and re-join the Packers. Brett celebrates with a four interception game that John Madden labels as one of the most inspiring, courageous games he’s ever witnessed.
LOSS

9/28 Wash – It’s the Deadskins and they must die. Dallas crushes rivals.
WIN

10/5 Cincinnati – In one of the most bizarre games in NFL history Chad Johnson puts up 2 TD’s against the Cowboys in the first half to give the Bengals a big lead. Jerry Jones trades his whole 2009 draft to the Bengals for Chad’s services at halftime, and Ocho Cinco scores three TD’s against the Bengals to lead the Cowboys to victory.
WIN

10/ 12 @ Arizona – The Matt Leinart Keg Party and Beer Bong Challenge at halftime is a big draw for college students to the game, but the Cardinals put up little resistance.
WIN

10/19 @ St. Louis – In an unexpectedly tight game that has Dallas with the ball but losing in the final minutes, the Cowboys reach back into some recent history. The play call is for the center to snap the ball at least 30-yards over Romo’s head and for Romo to miraculously scoop it up and run for a TD. The play works to perfection and the Rams go down to defeat.
WIN

10/26 Tampa Bay – With 15 QB’s on the roster for Jon Gruden, the Bucs have to play 10 of them on special teams. The Cowboys kick return teams rip Tampa Bay open for an easy win.
WIN

11/2 @ New York Giants – The Giants decide to blitz 10 guys the whole game but wide-open Cowboys receivers keep dropping the ball. The G-Men triumph.
LOSS

Sun., Nov. 9 BYE

11/16 @ Wash – After a bye week where Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson vacation in Antarctica to avoid the paparazzi - paid for by Terrell Owens – Romo plays like an Emperor penguin and the Cowboys lose to their rivals.
LOSS

11/23 San Fran – With San Fran’s Mike Nolan on the proverbial death-watch as the head coach, he shows up to the game in an all black suit ready for the deep-six. The Cowboys oblige, sending San Fran down to the depths.
WIN

11/27 Seattle - Julius Jones exacts revenge and wins the game by running for 485 yards, increasing his season total in rushing yards to 486.
LOSS

12/7 @ Pittsburgh – In a strange incident, a Dallas fan charges out of the stands and lands a pile-driver on safety Troy Polamalu after a particularly devastating sack of Tony Romo. With Polamalu sidelined, the Cowboys romp. The fan is later identified at the jail house as just "Terry" and he gives a shoutout to the guys at BTB.
WIN

11/14 NYG – The Giants again employ the "10-guys-blitzing" defense and Dallas again drops every pass. The Cowboys are saved when, in desperation, they employ kicker Nick Folk as a WR and he catches an 82-yard TD for the win.
WIN

12/20 Baltimore – The Cowboys organization is so mad that the NFL has scheduled the Baltimore Ravens for the final regular-season home game in Texas Stadium that they boycott the first three quarters. But since the Ravens QB situation is so dire they fail to take advantage and score so the Cowboys return to the field in the fourth quarter for an easy romp.
WIN

11/28 @ Philadelphia – With a playoff appearance assured and having their seeding wrapped-up, the Cowboys rest most of their roster and get pasted by the Eagles. Wade Phillips proclaims that last year they did the same thing and "won" their first playoff game against the dreaded opponent "BYE". Dallas fans riot forcing the mobilization of the National Guard.
LOSS

The Cowboys go 11-5 next year.

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