Listen up guys. Stephen A. Smith has something to tell you. AND WHEN SOMEONE TALKS LIKE THIS ALL THE TIME SHOUTING AT PEOPLE, IT MEANS THEY MUST BE RIGHT. Right? Seriously, when I want in-depth analysis on NFL football or when I just want to check and see if my hearing-aid is working correctly, I go to Stephen A. Smith.
Smith wants you to know what really happened on Monday night in Texas Stadium and as an advocate of truth, justice and the totally-clueless way, I figured I would help in Smith's fight against reality.
Smith wants you to know, with all sincerity, that Tony Romo might have won the game, but he's just not Donovan McNabb.
How about McNabb, who was 25-of-37 for 281 yards (one TD) and clearly was the more poised quarterback on the field -- despite what Romo's 312 passing yards might have indicated.
It's true. Just think what might have happened if Donovan wasn't so poised. Why, the Eagles might have had a drive into Dallas territory with the chance to score late in the fourth quarter and really put Dallas away. And if Donovan wasn't so poised, he might have put the ball in Westbrook's gut on a hand-off, then pull it out in some kind of very un-poised fake-out, then proceed to slam the ball into Westbrook's hip causing a fumble at one of the most critical junctures of the game. Man, if he had done something like that we might accuse Donovan of not being poised. Good thing Stephen A. Smith is around to let us know that this simply can't be the case. If all of that would have happened, then Tony Romo might have had a chance to march his team straight down the field to a game-winning TD in the fourth quarter, then we would have to say that Romo sure looked poised when it mattered. Wow, I'm sure glad none of that happened on Monday night. I'm very thrilled that I got the special Stephen A. Smith feed of the game, instead of this crazy ending everyone keeps talking about where the Cowboys won.
Plus, McNabb is so poised, he could actually handle the fact that another player talked about him before the game. Lord, I don't know how McNabb does it, but I want some of what he's got. The ability to not let someone's words harm you, now that's special!
How about McNabb, facing more controversy caused by Owens' mouth -- with Owens accusing McNabb of "jealousy" -- and still putting up those numbers, despite not having his two top receivers, Kevin Curtis and Reggie Brown.
Oh, the controversy. I mean if ESPN is playing the tape of Owens repeatedly, on every football show they have, then it must have been a full-blown controversy. There's just no way around it. But McNabb used his superpower of dodging dangerous words to overcome this brutal attack, it's simply amazing. I'm sure a lot of you are thinking how can I protect myself from evil words in hopes of blocking out Stephen A. Smith. You can't, you're not poised enough plus Smith's words are not your everyday words. You can't stop words THAT ARE YELLED TO YOU AT LEVEL 11 ON AN AMPLIFIER when you're superpowers only block level 10 amplifiers. You cannot defeat Smtih's words because you have no poise or McNabb superpowers. You mere mortals are nothing to Smith's mastery of bluster. Fools!
And what, you forgot that McNabb didn't have his number 1 and 2 WR's in the game? This is Reggie Brown and Kevin Curtis we're talking about. These guys have ruled the roost of NFL receivers for...umm...for...let's see...umm...crap! Forget that, all you need to know is that I'm SHOUTING AT YOU and you can't stop me, so the combo of Curtis and Brown would have destroyed the Cowboys. Fear the Curtis, fear the Brown!
There's more.
Or how about an Eagles offense that put up 30 points in the first half.
Yeah, what about that Eagles offense that put up 30? I mean, 23, since Smith tells us that the un-poised Romo gave them seven. Wait, make that 16, since again Romo set them up for a TD and then the refs gave the Eagles the most bogus pass interference call in history. That's not hyperbole either, that just plain facts - Stephen A. Smith style - because Smith doesn't do hyperbole. So yeah, what about those 16 points the Eagles offense put up in the first half. Compare that to the anemic Cowboys who only put up 24 points. You guys just don't get it, but Stephen A. Smith does.
You think Smith is done giving you the truth? Ha, you can't handle the truth.
Or an Eagles defense that held Owens to two catches for 17 yards after the game's opening drive, yet still appeared so disgusted that the players could barely disguise their snarls with every word they uttered after the game.
Yeah, it's a good thing the Eagles shut down Owens after he cooked them for a long TD. Cover Jason Witten, that's for teams that want to win. Stop Marion Barber in the second half, no way, you might actually win a game that way. Put pressure on Tony Romo and sack the heck out of him, that's for winners. No way, the real way to go - the Stephen A. Smith way - is to make sure you stop T.O. so you won't lose your pride, even though you lose the game.
Lest you think this is only Smith's opinion, I assure you he has backup. He went to the most neutral, unbiased sources you can find to comment on what happened. You might not like Smith, but the guys he talked to are impeccable sources for impartiality where it concerns the Eagles and the Cowboys. Cue up Eagles safety Brian Dawkins and Eagles TE L.J. Smith. They'll tell you the truth.
"Let me tell you this," Eagles safety Brian Dawkins said after the game. "We made too many early mistakes -- it's that simple. The bomb to T.O. The kickoff return for a TD [by Felix Jones] right after that. Those are mistakes we don't usually make, and it cost us. It's why we lost this game, and that's why we're disgusted. We know we gave it away."
[snip]
"We know our team, our defense," an annoyed-looking Eagles tight end L.J. Smith said after the game. "We know what happened tonight won't happen very often. We'll see if [Dallas] can say the same things once all is said and done."
Four sacks of McNabb and two key stops to end the game might have provided the Cowboys with an early season victory, but that doesn't make Smith's last comment any less legitimate.
Yeah, I mean who really relies on sacks of the opposing QB as a tenet of winning? You think NFL teams actually think that four sacks in a game might actually help you to win. That's crazy talk. Key stops by your defense at the end of the game? How much sillier could Dallas get about the way they win games. The madness is incomprehensible. Making mistakes? It's a good thing only Philly makes those, because if Dallas had made mistakes like fumbling in the endzone, letting the opposing team's fastest WR get off the line cleanly for a run at the strong safety, missing tackles on the QB in the backfield and any number of other things, then they might have lost the game. And that's winning in Smith's book.
Thanks Stephen A. Smith. You really cleared everything up for us Dallas fans.
And you don't have to pretend it's a cell phone commercial and ask us if we can hear you now. We hear you. NO NEED TO SHOUT.
And, quite frankly, we're dumber for it.