What day is it? Monday, you silly. It’s Monday and there’s going to be Dallas Cowboys football, and that’s got me excited.
In fact I’m so excited I’m ready to say that Taco Charlton is going to sack Carson Palmer 14 times tonight, but I’m not going to do that, don’t worry.
That’d be something bold, a particularly spicy bold take if I say so myself. While there’s nothing wrong with spicy tacos (I’m a huge fan of spicy food personally), bold predictions need to be out there, but also practical.
Let’s keep that in mind as we order our own bold predictions (a combo meal of five) as we always do here at BTB. Shall we?
The Cowboys will intercept Carson Palmer three times
If you read all the way through to this part then you understand how bold predictions need to be reasonable. Shockingly, it’s legitimately reasonable that Carson Palmer could throw a hat trick of interceptions against the Cowboys.
Dallas will be without Nolan Carroll and Chidobe Awuzie (many thrilled about the former), but Carson Palmer stunk up the joint against the Colts eight days ago. The Colts!
The realities of the situation are that the Cowboys secondary is suspect, but Carson Palmer is enough to make it feel a little safe (even hampered by injury). I’ll take two for Anthony Brown and for funsies the other for Sean Lee, please.
Dez Bryant will catch at least two touchdowns
The last week has been filled with all sorts of what the cool kids call “hot takes,” particularly of the Dez Bryant variety. I suppose if you’re not torching Janoris Jenkins and Aqib Talib/Chris Harris that you’ve lost your touch as an NFL wide receiver.
Dez has matched up against the Cardinals twice in his career, and he’s caught a touchdown in both instances (this is also in spite of doing it once with Brandon Weeden as his quarterback). This is a manageable showdown for him.
There’s nothing wrong with Dez Bryant’s game, which was obvious if you watched him during his return last season, and with the whole world watching that will become etched in stone once again.
Jason Witten will record more receptions than Larry Fitzgerald
It feels like we just let this gloss over us because it’s become so commonplace... JASON WITTEN IS 4TH ALL-TIME IN CAREER RECEPTIONS!
Now that you’ve calmed down, isn’t that insane? The only gentlemen in front of him all-time are Jerry Rice, Tony Gonzalez, and Arizona’s Larry Fitzgerald. Pretty impressive for a tight end.
Through two games this season Witten and Fitzgerald have 17 and nine receptions, respectively. Witten actually led the NFL through two games in this category, largely in part to the 22 targets he received over that time.
I don’t know what it is, but Jason Witten will probably break some record in this process. That’s all he does. Scores, is a great human being, and breaks records.
Not a single one of Dan Bailey’s kickoffs will be returned
If you haven’t heard, it is literally impossible for Dan Bailey to do anything wrong if it involves kicking a football with his foot.
Dan Bailey has quietly gotten off to quite the start this season, to the point that he matched his career-long last week and we didn’t throw him a parade for it (it made me sad, but the Cowboys were in Denver so he kind of had a huge advantage).
Split ‘em is en such fuego that it makes sense for him to come out and destroy every football when the night gets off with the classic “Dun-dun-dun-dun!”. Good luck to whoever the Arizona Cardinals return men are because they’re going to be looking up the entire night at Bailey’s kickoffs sailing past them. Being indoors will give him the edge.
Jason Garrett will out-coach Bruce Arians
This one is hard to quantify, but it allows me to elaborate on a point that needs elaborating (I’m simply here to serve).
Bruce Arians is wildly overrated as an NFL head coach. Yes, really.
The two-time Coach of the Year is a fine head honcho, but people act as if he’s unquestionably in some upper echelon. Imagine if Jason Garrett, also a COTY winner, took his team to the NFC Championship Game, lost, and followed that season up by going 7-8-1 with no major injuries to his team... and then he barely beat the current iteration of the Colts in the following season’s second game.
Bruce Arians did that. And no one cares.
The reality is that Jason Garrett coaches the Cowboys and Bruce Arians coaches the Cardinals, and that means the former is subject to a lot more ridicule simply by nature. Looking at things without narrative goggles, there isn’t any real reason to fear a Bruce Arians squad in 2017.
Jason Garrett will out-coach him, however you define that. And no one will care.