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Five things to do if the Cowboys win; five things to do if they lose

In the NFL, a win produces unbridled optimism garnered with rainbows and unicorns and a loss results in a state of apocalyptic panic.

NFL: Kansas City Chiefs at Dallas Cowboys Kevin Jairaj-USA TODAY Sports
What to do if the Cowboys win/start winning

Clear your calendar for the playoff weekends
Start a discussion about whether a bye week is preferable to a wildcard game. Wonder loudly if the Cowboys should rest their starters in the Week 17 game against the Eagles. Make some fan art about Demarcus Lawrence sacking Jared Goff in the NFC Championship game. Write an essay about what it will take for the Cowboys to repeat as Super Bowl champions next season. Send holiday suggestions for January to your acquaintances who have the misfortune to be Eagles fans.

You get the drift.

Laugh at the Redskins
There’s no point in laughing at the Titans. After all, who cares about the Titans? So let’s laugh at the Redskins. Because, a billion reasons.

Make yourself a pitcher of green Kool Aid
It’ll be like drinking Eagles tears.

Better yet, dye your pool green like it’s St. Patrick’s day. You’ll be swimming in a sea of Eagles tears.

And green Jello shots! You know why.

Become a Goalpost Mover
Help turn the pre-game narrative from “the Cowboys are so bad, they can’t even beat the Titans” to the post-game narrative “it was only the Titans, dude,” and explain how the game against the Eagles next week will be the “real test.” And when they win that one, explain how the Eagles were overrated anyway, and how the game against the Falcons will be “the REAL test.”

Talk about how badly Dak Prescott played even though we won
Prescott could throw nine touchdowns and folks would still complain that he should have thrown 10, was inaccurate on five of the TDs anyway, and missed an open receiver on the remaining four. Remember how Tony Romo used to throw for 10 TDs all the time?

Good times.

What to do if the Cowboys lose/start losing

Find a reason why the Cowboys can make the playoffs anyway
All they have to do is win out. Piece of cake.

And don’t let some intellectual highflyer or his Appalachian cousin distract you with 17-year-old animated gifs of Jim Mora talking about playoffs.

You have a mission to accomplish.

Call Jason Garrett “The Clapper”
Really, this is not old at all. We haven’t heard it enough. It’s funny. Really funny. And unlike other jokes, this one gets funnier the more you repeat it. It’s true. It’s fantastic.

And once the funny materializes into a brick-sized solid block of funny, please take it and knock me over the head with it. I beg you.

Tell the world how much the Cowboys suck
Here’s are some topics that you can use to vent on social media or any blog or message board you may frequent. I guarantee all of these topics are insightful, have never been used before, and people will applaud you for your originality:

  • Dak sucks
  • Amari Cooper sucks
  • The O-line sucks
  • Zeke sucks
  • The receivers suck
  • The tight ends suck
  • Garrett sucks
  • Jerry Jones sucks

Own your disappointment like a boss
Tell the world your are done with the Cowboys. DONE!!! Tell everybody within earshot that this was the last straw, that you won’t watch another Cowboys game - until Tony Romo comes back. Consider publicly burning a jersey (but use the cheap Chinese knockoff, not one of your official jerseys). Tell everybody you haz a sad. Be emotional. Use a lot of exclamation marks.

Own your inner drama queen like a boss.

Then next Sunday, settle in to watch the Cowboys playing Eagles game as if nothing happened.

Put R.E.M.’s “Everybody Hurts” on repeat for the rest of the day

You’re sad. But you’re not alone because Michael Stipe knows that “everybody hurts, everybody cries.” So take Stipe’s advice, “take comfort in your friends,” curl up in a fetal position for an extended period, blast this song, have yourself a good little sniffle, and then move on. You’ll feel better, I promise.

Everybody huuuuuuuurts, sooooometiiiiiimes.

But don’t cry! Because then the ghost of Axl Rose will show up and tell you

Don’t you cryyyyyyy tonight, there’s a heaven above you, baby.

Don’t you ever cry-ay-ay-iya-iyay.

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