Week 3 rooting guide

2-0 feels so good. This year just feels different. Our division is doing pretty good at the moment. Everyone is 2-0 besides the Giants at 1-1. No time to take it easy. We get our fourth preseason game this week against the Cardinals. But they are plucky so we have to stay on our toes. This isn't necessarily who will win but who we should be rooting for to win. Here we go!

Cowboys over Cardinals: We need this joint practice to get ready for the 49ers in a couple of weeks.

49ers over Giants: I was so torn on this one. I want SF to lose every game but I also want the Giants to lose every game. If there were some way to rip the fabric in the time space continuum and have both of them lose somehow I would do that. But Giants play in our division so we want them to lose more. But if God is real SF will lose and it will throw their team into disarray and they lose all focus for the entire season.

Bucs over Eagles: Really simple here. Eagles are in our division and we want them to lose. If aliens come to take over the earth I hope they bypass New York and destroy the cesspool of Philly first. Then they can circle back to NY.

Bills over the C-Words (Commanders): Washington owes them for giving them one of their 4 super bowl losses from the 90s. And they play in our division so we want them to lose.

Saints over Packers: I grew up in Louisiana so they are my team I root for when not rooting for the Cowboys. And until the stench of Aaron Rodgers is gone from Green Bay we hate them and it's as simple as that.

Chargers over Vikings: Vikings play in the NFC and pose a bigger threat to us so we want them to lose. Plus we want Chargers to have a false sense of victory and riding high before we play them so Kellen Moore makes a plethora of dumb decisions such as a double WR throw back pass on 3rd and 15 that Parsons takes to the house.

Bengals over Rams: I am a huge LSU fan and love Joey B and Chase but Burrow is playing like pure hot garbage at the moment. STILL we want them to beat the Rams because the Rams are in the NFC and that is the conference we play in.

Falcons over Lions: Mostly because Falcons are birds and they literally fly over lions because lions can't jump as high as a falcon can fly. Also Lions pose the greater threat to us when it comes to playoff aspirations. Even though Atlanta's run game is great they won't be able to use it against us in the playoffs because they won't be there.

Titans over Browns: You can go either way with this one. I like Derrick Henry. He looks like he was made in a lab and sometimes I think about what our team would have been like if we had taken Ramsey/Henry instead of Zeke/Jaylon Smith. My kids like teen Titans so that was the deciding factor for me.

Dolphins over Broncos: Dolphins are such smart creatures. Pufferfish use a potent chemical to deter predators and that same chemical get dolphins high so they sniff pufferfish a lot. That fact alone makes we want the dolphins to win. Let's ride!

Jets over Patriots: Until we catch them in Super Bowls I want the Patriots to lose every game until the end of time. #pettylabelle #pettywap #pettywhite

Jaguars over Texans: I live in Texas and only want one team to reign supreme here in this state. I am still researching how to get the Texans excommunicated John Wick style. I will post my findings soon.

Ravens over Colts: I really like the Wire. Marlo, Omar, Avon, Stringer sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet. This one was easy.

Panthers over Seahawks: Seahawks post a bigger threat to us in the playoffs so I want them to lose so they DO NOT pose a threat to us in the playoffs. I am a simple man.

Chiefs over Bears: There was a lot of talk of how Fields was going to be a MVP candidate and he was in the same if not higher tier than Dak Prescott. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Raiders over Steelers: Both of them steal but Raiders do it in a more dramatic fashion. Think pirates or a corporate take over. I know that's not how its spelled but this is my column and I am running out of ideas. It's not my fault they should have named them Pittsburgh Robbers then maybe they would have gotten my seal of approval.

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